Dr. Tim Thayne

When we were newly weds, we lived in an apartment complex that was in a square shape, with a grassy courtyard in the middle.  We were all facing IN.  We knew everyone in the complex.  We were all starving students, many starting their families, and we depended on each other for a lot of things; food, empathy, entertainment, advice and companionship.  It was a golden period of friendship. 
 
When my sister was building her home, their family lived in a 5th wheel trailer for nearly 5 months.  She had 4 little children at the time.  They were thinking it would be a huge trial.  However, once they moved into their beautiful big home, the children were scared and lonely and asked if they could move back to the trailer!  They missed being close.
 
There is a parallel between physical closeness and relationship closeness.  I see it all the time in my counseling.  When couples first come in, they sit on opposite sides of the couch, leaning away from each other.  As they start to open up to one another, and feel their closeness and love increase, they shift IN  to each other on the couch, till they are hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder, usually holding hands.
 
So if you are finding your relationships feeling too distant, try physically putting yourself in settings that require more contact.  Then use your best efforts to connect in positive ways.  If you will resist the urge to fight more because of proximity (and you can avoid this if you choose to), you will almost automatically begin to see the love and closeness increase. 
 
We are on a family vacation this week traveling through the national parks in Southern Utah and Northern Arizona…in an RV.  I’m already seeing, admiring and appreciating little things about my children just because I’m not distracted and am close enough to hear and see them clearly.
 
By the way…it’s the 100th anniversary of RVing in the United States.  One hundred years of forced family togetherness!
 

For the last year or so Roxanne and I have had a growing concern about one of our sons who has been struggling with anxiety and feeling down.  So we reached out to our friends, family, and neighbors (our “home team”) in a confidential letter asking for their support.  This was a humbling experience, but one that I could not avoid, as for years now I’ve been preaching the value of parents reaching out to others for help in bringing their teens home from treatment.  How could I then, in my own family’s need, not reach out and do the same? My son needed to know that he was important to others outside of our family.
 
The outpouring of love has been instantaneous, creative and inspiring and it has clearly made a difference to our son.  Now let me share with you just one, very simple but powerful things that have happened in his scout troop where his two scout leaders received the letter.  
 

From the day they received the letter, one called to tell me what he had observed in troop activities.   Another made a point during a meeting where parents were present, to announce that our boy had broken the troop record for the longest flexed arm hang.  A couple of weeks ago we were late getting him to scouts and his leader just came by and picked him up.  Our son knows he would be missed if he wasn’t there.  Then last weekend my son and I went on a winter camp out called the “Klondike Derby” (not my favorite time of the year to camp!).  The boys love it because they get to race the sled they made against the other troops in the area.  But the most important experience for him must have been the genuine interest that his leaders paid to him as we stood around the campfire.  They teased him, asked his opinion, took his picture, and they just talked to him one-on-one.  His smile told me that he felt good.
 
Does sharing some of the worries in your heart about one of your children seem awkward or hard?  Then simply pick one person to talk to or send an email to.  Start there.  Please know that in my experience, with literally thousands upon thousands of the people who have been “invited” to be involved with a struggling teen, people overwhelmingly feel honored by being included!  How would you feel if another parent called you?  Let them know that there is no specific expectation from you,  but that you hope that by knowing a little more of “the story” they will take that permission and reach out to the child in some way that will make a difference. 
 
A healthy adult isn’t built in one day, or by one other person.  We all have the responsibility and privilege to positively influence those around us.
 
Give it a try! 

Sure, bread does, relationships do, and so does your brain if you aren’t constantly feeding it. 

Last week my team members and I attended a fantastic workshop put on by the famous John Gottman.  He spoke as part of Utah Marriage Week, and he was fantastic!  A researcher who studies why some marriages are the “masters” and others are the “disasters”, Gottman has done so much for the field of marriage and family therapy, it was not only fun, but humbling to learn at his feet for a day.

My point today is this; we need to be learning and growing, or we are sliding backwards, becoming stale.  Our brain needs new food to chew on, preferably daily, or it too becomes malnourished and doesn’t perform.  Whenever I feel like I know it all, I just have to start reading and I realize again how much there is to learn and how fun it can be!

When I am studying my counseling is better, my business does better, my wife and children are happier, and, honestly, so am I!

I’m telling you this because on Thursday the February edition of our HomeBase Briefings newsletter comes out.  If you are getting these e-mails from me, but have not seen the HomeBase Briefings yet, you are missing out on some great food for thought.  It includes sections on:

* easy family activities
* fascinating research findings
* captivating book reviews
* interesting tips on family life,
* and charming responses from our readers..

To receive this free monthly newsletter, simply respond to this e-mail saying you “want to learn something new” and it’ll be delivered to your inbox each month, starting Thursday!  Or sign up now by clicking here
http://www.mcssl.com/app/join.asp?merchantid=154164

No, this isn’t about the Super Bowl!  This is about a powerful tool for change.

Last week I was meeting with a young man who was graduating from a residential treatment program in two days.  I was glad to finally meet him, as I have been talking with his parents about the transition home since May of last year!

I asked him “Be honest with me.  How strong is your commitment to staying away from drugs and alcohol when you go home?  I’m just curious.”

He said “It’s fantastic!  I’ve learned what kind of person I become when I start to use those things and I don’t like that person.  I’m committed to staying away from it 100% going forward.”

Inspiration struck, and I told him and his therapist to hold that thought as I sprinted outside to my car and grabbed my digital voice recorder.  With recorder in hand we started the conversation again.  I was inspired by this young man and there was a tangible feeling of hope and joy in the room as we talked about his future.  This moment had to be captured! 

To add to his comments, I recorded my own experience with him that day as well as some of the visual reminders of that moment, like how we could see through the window a view of the valley, and how he could see forever with that clear view.  I was trying to document for him his environment, how clear and alive his eyes were, and the brightness of his future.

No doubt there will be really difficult days ahead.  When I travel to his home tomorrow I’ll have the privilege of meeting with the friends, family, and mentors in his life.  It will be very moving to the group when I have him play that recording for them, as they weren’t lucky enough to be there on that day. 

We’ll also post this on his Family Bridge, so he can replay it over and over when he needs another shot in the arm.   It’s also available to inspire his support team in helping him press forward in the goals he’s set for himself.

This works for us all, you know.  Whether it be:
• in a journal,
• on audio,
• in a video,
• or taped to your bathroom mirror 

Find a way to capture the goals you set and have a way and time set to revisit them often.  There’s nothing as inspiring as someone who’s inspired.  This can be you…for yourself!

My mother-in-law gave me a book for Christmas that delivers a daily dose of knowledge on topics from art to science to history.  I was fascinated reading about the Black Death (Bubonic Plague) that swept Europe for 5 years in the mid 1300’s.  Highly contagious, an estimated 25 million people, one third of the population of Europe, succumbed to this quick and fatal disease.  Can you imagine how devastating that must have been?  They call it a natural holocaust.

I started wondering what could be considered a plague in our families today.  It hit me during a marriage therapy session I was conducting this afternoon.

It’s selfishness.

The carrier (selfish person) can quickly spread the ugliness and destruction to others, who will find it hard to combat, wearing down emotionally, and finally succumbing to the natural course that selfishness takes.

The devastation left in the wake is broken hearts, homes, and lives. And the scary thing is that we are all afflicted with it off and on in our lives.  Next time you find yourself in a situation where your temper is rising, or you hear yourself justifying something you’ve done, ask this simple question:

“Is there anything selfish about what I am doing or saying here?”

That’s it.  It is honestly that simple.  Recognize it, stop it, and change it.

A little awareness goes a long way to curbing the effects of any plague, and self-awareness can save us from this horrible form of self-destruction.

If you haven’t, don’t feel bad, I just learned of it last year and since then I’ve heard it everywhere. It’s basically this…

Italian Economist Vilfredo Pareto observed in 1906 that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population, and found that it was similarly distributed in other countries as well.

Since then, business management has applied this principal as a rule of thumb in business: that 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients, or 80% of your productivity comes from 20% of your employees.

Does this rule apply to you?  Sure.  Don’t you wear 20% of the clothes in your closet about 80% of the time?  Or eat 20% of the favorite meals  for 80% of your dinners?  Or maybe out of your 10 favorite people, you are in contact with 2 of them 80% of the time?

Though it’s not a rule you couldn’t poke holes through, there are some extremely spot-on lessons to learn from this 80/20 rule:

 1. We could all take this new decade and look at the 20% of our personal interactions that yield 80% of our joy and satisfaction.  Focus there.  Don’t be distracted by the sheer number of those “other” interactions.
2. In our work, we need to shift our concentration to the 20 percent of clients and projects that generate 80 percent of the revenue.  Even if we think we’re really good at keeping a dozen plates spinning, if we narrow our energies to that which can build the greatest wealth, we arrive at that abundant place much more quickly.
3. Lastly, know that you can get rid of that 20% that causes 80% of your grief and worry, (unless it’s a spouse or child, of course)!
For 2010, my goal is to focus on the 20% that creates 80% of the value in my life…both in my personal as well as business life.  Then with that extra time and energy, I’ll find more of those people and experiences that fit in that 20% category.  Wow, the sky is the limit here!

So what makes up the 20% in your life?  Identify it, magnify it, and make 2010 the best year you’ve ever had. Happy New Year!

It was a blinding blizzard a little over six years ago, temperatures just above freezing with wind chill below zero, when I made my way to into the desert mountains of Utah on December 26th.  I was there to see the boys in my therapy group at our wilderness treatment program.  

Expecting grudged greetings and even anger, I was shocked to see smiling faces as the group huddled around the campfire singing songs.  Our staff even seemed happy and all of them had just spent Christmas Day in brutal conditions.

Surely, I thought, my most spoiled boy would be sullen and slow to speak with me.  After all, I was the one that had recommended to his parents that they leave him with us over the holidays to see if we could make a bigger break through with his entitlement issues.

When we sat down around our “Therapy Fire” I noticed a warmth about him, and he seemed genuinely grateful that I was there to visit him.  Anyone could see that he was truly happy.  What was I missing?  

“Matt, why are you so happy?  I know how cold it’s been and I’m sure you must have missed being with your family yesterday.”  His reply was stunning coming from him, “I don’t really know, but this was the best Christmas I’ve ever had!”  

Upon further questioning I found out that just the year before he had had his worst Christmases ever.  His parents had done everything they could to make it a special one by giving him exactly what he wanted…brand new, top-of-the-line, downhill skis.  But that wasn’t enough.  He wanted more so he fought with his parents and sister all day long.  

Compare last year’s experience to the quiet satisfaction found by receiving a surprise salami stick and crackers for Christmas dinner, and I had to wonder what the group had been drinking!   In the end, it wasn’t anything artificial, it was pure, undiluted, gratitude.  Gratitude for under-appreciated family relationships and for a whole host of comforts and necessities he had taken for granted before.  

Everything had been taken away from Matt while he was in the wilderness.  He only had the clothes and gear we had issued to him. Now here he was, feeling gratitude for Salami.  Matt didn’t have anything, but had chalked up one of the most memorable and cherished Christmas’ of his life.

I hope your child or teen doesn’t get everything he/she wants during the holidays and every day.  I encourage you to show restraint in your purchases and instead give something of yourself.  There are so many needs waiting to be filled in your extended family, neighborhood, workplace, church group, etc.  Take your children along to experience the joys of giving much and receiving very little.  Just don’t tell them that it was my idea

Happy Holidays to your family!

I think I jinxed myself in my newsletter when I said that I hope your kid’s don’t get everything they want for Christmas. 

 Because I didn’t get what I wanted either!  I was looking forward to a family vacation and spending time relaxing and catching up on needed sleep and relationship building.  But pick axing the ice out of my driveway aggravated a bulging disk in my neck and I ended up going on vacation with ice packs and pain killers, only to leave 5 days early to get home to my own bed and doctors to look for relief from the incessant nerve pain.

I have had a lot of time to think about disappointment and pain these past two weeks.  And I’ve decided I do not like it one bit.  Then I identified the things that are helping me get through it, and how I have seen hundreds of others use these same techniques in handling their own struggles.

#1  Mental Toughness - they have found that letting your mind dissolve into mulling over the disappointment, the injustice, the fear of the situation only paralyzes a person, where deciding to stay creative, hopeful, and proactive actually moves you through the struggle light years faster.

#2  Getting Proactive -  laying around feeling frustrated and in turmoil can be alleviated in great part by picking up a phone, doing a little research on-line, asking a trusted friend, etc.  Just knowing you are moving towards freedom from this situation can be a great pain killer.

#3  Finding Support -  I was so relieved when my family came home to take care of me, and just having my wife make some calls on my behalf was healing to my mental state.  Find someone who can be an experienced support and guide to you, and this is not just someone to validate that you are suffering.  They need to be in a better place than you are to be of any real value in your crisis.

#4  Time Heals - learn to project yourself into the future, understanding that it will not always be this way.  “Change is constant”, and that can most definitely be a positive when you are in pain.

#5  Have Faith - tap into your spiritual sources for strength.  Studies have repeatedly shown the undeniable power that prayer has in healing after surgery, or during an extended illnesses in fighting depression.  Use your own beliefs and trust in a greater power to help you in the inevitable dark times.

So I take it back…I DO hope you get what you want…especially if it takes you out of pain and suffering!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  Bringing teens home is a great time of anxiety and pain for most parents, and having a transition plan goes a long way in alleviating that.  If you have a family that could benefit from expert guidance and experience, please give us a call.  We only have a few days left on our Holiday Scholarship in your Program/Practice name…give that discount to one of your great families.

A few weeks ago I witnessed something that made me smile and also verified that at least one of our children feels lucky to be in our home.  Whether our children are really lucky or not… perception is reality, right?

Our youngest son was under the porch chair playing with the cats (yes the infamous wild cats tamed with love that I wrote about a few months ago).  Roxanne and I were sitting there reading and we heard him singing a little song.  Looking under the couch to see what was going on we saw him holding the cats singing “We have a good home, we have a good home”.  It seems that he has bought into the idea that’s it’s nice to be part of the Thayne clan, in spite of our weaknesses.

In a country where so many youth grow up feeling picked on if their parents require much of them, I suggest that you teach your children as youngsters how blessed they are to grow up a home where they are loved, taken care of, AND taught responsibility.  Kids with parents who love them and expect things from them need to know how lucky they really are because they have adults who actually care enough to teach them what kinds of skills it will take to succeed in the real world and in adult life.  There are too many examples of parents who didn’t require much of their kids, and they continually struggle on things that could have been corrected at a very young age.

While your children are home, unless they’ve been taught otherwise, they will think that the cool parents are those that give their kids more freedom and less responsibility that you do.  Or they will think that someone else has it better because of X,Y, & Z.  It’s just another way you can educate yourself and them so you wont feel insecure with the inevitable “So and so doesn’t have to…” that teens will throw at you when you pull them out of bed in the morning.

Every home has its problems and you should acknowledge that yours isn’t perfect, but if you have a good home, let them know it!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S. How do you help your children realize they have a good life?  I encourage you to post your comments here!

“I counted to 304 last night.” my 8 year old daughter said.

“Why did you do that?”  I asked.

“I was waiting for Mom to come scratch my back”.

As she often does, Roxanne announced after family prayer that she would be up to their bed rooms in 5 minutes to give everyone who had brushed their teeth and were in bed a back scratch.  This routine is a regular family ritual at the end of the day.  She likes to take some time with each child at bed time to talk to them and give each her undivided attention while giving them back scratches.  I’ve tried to assist at times with this important ritual, but for some reason my short nails just don’t do as well!

I asked Afton how far she could have counted before she fell asleep.  About 400 she thought.  So here’s evidence that this small act of service by my wife is looked forward to enough that a sleepy little girl could count to 400 waiting for that time together.  Our teenagers take flying leaps into the beds when they hear Mom coming too, not wanting to miss their time with her.

My thought is this; if we adults like feeling close and connected, even our prickly teenagers need that too.  Find a way to show affection very, very often.  A one armed squeeze around their shoulders, a back scratch while watching a show together, a hand laid on a shoulder while giving praise, a hip bump while teasing them, being playful in a good natured way, a wrestling match.  Think of what you used to do when your children were smaller, then find a way to reach out and connect today.

Stay tuned for our e-zine coming out next week where Roxanne will review a long loved book on little family traditions that build unity and a feeling of love and belonging.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  If you haven’t signed up for our monthly e-zine yet, or know someone who could use uplifting stories, tips from family life experts, and short, powerful, doable ideas, send this on.  Don’t miss even one issue!  It’s FREE and easy to sign up.  Click here to sign up!