Dr. Tim Thayne

My mother-in-law gave me a book for Christmas that delivers a daily dose of knowledge on topics from art to science to history.  I was fascinated reading about the Black Death (Bubonic Plague) that swept Europe for 5 years in the mid 1300’s.  Highly contagious, an estimated 25 million people, one third of the population of Europe, succumbed to this quick and fatal disease.  Can you imagine how devastating that must have been?  They call it a natural holocaust.

I started wondering what could be considered a plague in our families today.  It hit me during a marriage therapy session I was conducting this afternoon.

It’s selfishness.

The carrier (selfish person) can quickly spread the ugliness and destruction to others, who will find it hard to combat, wearing down emotionally, and finally succumbing to the natural course that selfishness takes.

The devastation left in the wake is broken hearts, homes, and lives. And the scary thing is that we are all afflicted with it off and on in our lives.  Next time you find yourself in a situation where your temper is rising, or you hear yourself justifying something you’ve done, ask this simple question:

“Is there anything selfish about what I am doing or saying here?”

That’s it.  It is honestly that simple.  Recognize it, stop it, and change it.

A little awareness goes a long way to curbing the effects of any plague, and self-awareness can save us from this horrible form of self-destruction.

If you haven’t, don’t feel bad, I just learned of it last year and since then I’ve heard it everywhere. It’s basically this…

Italian Economist Vilfredo Pareto observed in 1906 that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population, and found that it was similarly distributed in other countries as well.

Since then, business management has applied this principal as a rule of thumb in business: that 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients, or 80% of your productivity comes from 20% of your employees.

Does this rule apply to you?  Sure.  Don’t you wear 20% of the clothes in your closet about 80% of the time?  Or eat 20% of the favorite meals  for 80% of your dinners?  Or maybe out of your 10 favorite people, you are in contact with 2 of them 80% of the time?

Though it’s not a rule you couldn’t poke holes through, there are some extremely spot-on lessons to learn from this 80/20 rule:

 1. We could all take this new decade and look at the 20% of our personal interactions that yield 80% of our joy and satisfaction.  Focus there.  Don’t be distracted by the sheer number of those “other” interactions.
2. In our work, we need to shift our concentration to the 20 percent of clients and projects that generate 80 percent of the revenue.  Even if we think we’re really good at keeping a dozen plates spinning, if we narrow our energies to that which can build the greatest wealth, we arrive at that abundant place much more quickly.
3. Lastly, know that you can get rid of that 20% that causes 80% of your grief and worry, (unless it’s a spouse or child, of course)!
For 2010, my goal is to focus on the 20% that creates 80% of the value in my life…both in my personal as well as business life.  Then with that extra time and energy, I’ll find more of those people and experiences that fit in that 20% category.  Wow, the sky is the limit here!

So what makes up the 20% in your life?  Identify it, magnify it, and make 2010 the best year you’ve ever had. Happy New Year!

It was a blinding blizzard a little over six years ago, temperatures just above freezing with wind chill below zero, when I made my way to into the desert mountains of Utah on December 26th.  I was there to see the boys in my therapy group at our wilderness treatment program.  

Expecting grudged greetings and even anger, I was shocked to see smiling faces as the group huddled around the campfire singing songs.  Our staff even seemed happy and all of them had just spent Christmas Day in brutal conditions.

Surely, I thought, my most spoiled boy would be sullen and slow to speak with me.  After all, I was the one that had recommended to his parents that they leave him with us over the holidays to see if we could make a bigger break through with his entitlement issues.

When we sat down around our “Therapy Fire” I noticed a warmth about him, and he seemed genuinely grateful that I was there to visit him.  Anyone could see that he was truly happy.  What was I missing?  

“Matt, why are you so happy?  I know how cold it’s been and I’m sure you must have missed being with your family yesterday.”  His reply was stunning coming from him, “I don’t really know, but this was the best Christmas I’ve ever had!”  

Upon further questioning I found out that just the year before he had had his worst Christmases ever.  His parents had done everything they could to make it a special one by giving him exactly what he wanted…brand new, top-of-the-line, downhill skis.  But that wasn’t enough.  He wanted more so he fought with his parents and sister all day long.  

Compare last year’s experience to the quiet satisfaction found by receiving a surprise salami stick and crackers for Christmas dinner, and I had to wonder what the group had been drinking!   In the end, it wasn’t anything artificial, it was pure, undiluted, gratitude.  Gratitude for under-appreciated family relationships and for a whole host of comforts and necessities he had taken for granted before.  

Everything had been taken away from Matt while he was in the wilderness.  He only had the clothes and gear we had issued to him. Now here he was, feeling gratitude for Salami.  Matt didn’t have anything, but had chalked up one of the most memorable and cherished Christmas’ of his life.

I hope your child or teen doesn’t get everything he/she wants during the holidays and every day.  I encourage you to show restraint in your purchases and instead give something of yourself.  There are so many needs waiting to be filled in your extended family, neighborhood, workplace, church group, etc.  Take your children along to experience the joys of giving much and receiving very little.  Just don’t tell them that it was my idea

Happy Holidays to your family!

I think I jinxed myself in my newsletter when I said that I hope your kid’s don’t get everything they want for Christmas. 

 Because I didn’t get what I wanted either!  I was looking forward to a family vacation and spending time relaxing and catching up on needed sleep and relationship building.  But pick axing the ice out of my driveway aggravated a bulging disk in my neck and I ended up going on vacation with ice packs and pain killers, only to leave 5 days early to get home to my own bed and doctors to look for relief from the incessant nerve pain.

I have had a lot of time to think about disappointment and pain these past two weeks.  And I’ve decided I do not like it one bit.  Then I identified the things that are helping me get through it, and how I have seen hundreds of others use these same techniques in handling their own struggles.

#1  Mental Toughness - they have found that letting your mind dissolve into mulling over the disappointment, the injustice, the fear of the situation only paralyzes a person, where deciding to stay creative, hopeful, and proactive actually moves you through the struggle light years faster.

#2  Getting Proactive -  laying around feeling frustrated and in turmoil can be alleviated in great part by picking up a phone, doing a little research on-line, asking a trusted friend, etc.  Just knowing you are moving towards freedom from this situation can be a great pain killer.

#3  Finding Support -  I was so relieved when my family came home to take care of me, and just having my wife make some calls on my behalf was healing to my mental state.  Find someone who can be an experienced support and guide to you, and this is not just someone to validate that you are suffering.  They need to be in a better place than you are to be of any real value in your crisis.

#4  Time Heals - learn to project yourself into the future, understanding that it will not always be this way.  “Change is constant”, and that can most definitely be a positive when you are in pain.

#5  Have Faith - tap into your spiritual sources for strength.  Studies have repeatedly shown the undeniable power that prayer has in healing after surgery, or during an extended illnesses in fighting depression.  Use your own beliefs and trust in a greater power to help you in the inevitable dark times.

So I take it back…I DO hope you get what you want…especially if it takes you out of pain and suffering!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  Bringing teens home is a great time of anxiety and pain for most parents, and having a transition plan goes a long way in alleviating that.  If you have a family that could benefit from expert guidance and experience, please give us a call.  We only have a few days left on our Holiday Scholarship in your Program/Practice name…give that discount to one of your great families.

A few weeks ago I witnessed something that made me smile and also verified that at least one of our children feels lucky to be in our home.  Whether our children are really lucky or not… perception is reality, right?

Our youngest son was under the porch chair playing with the cats (yes the infamous wild cats tamed with love that I wrote about a few months ago).  Roxanne and I were sitting there reading and we heard him singing a little song.  Looking under the couch to see what was going on we saw him holding the cats singing “We have a good home, we have a good home”.  It seems that he has bought into the idea that’s it’s nice to be part of the Thayne clan, in spite of our weaknesses.

In a country where so many youth grow up feeling picked on if their parents require much of them, I suggest that you teach your children as youngsters how blessed they are to grow up a home where they are loved, taken care of, AND taught responsibility.  Kids with parents who love them and expect things from them need to know how lucky they really are because they have adults who actually care enough to teach them what kinds of skills it will take to succeed in the real world and in adult life.  There are too many examples of parents who didn’t require much of their kids, and they continually struggle on things that could have been corrected at a very young age.

While your children are home, unless they’ve been taught otherwise, they will think that the cool parents are those that give their kids more freedom and less responsibility that you do.  Or they will think that someone else has it better because of X,Y, & Z.  It’s just another way you can educate yourself and them so you wont feel insecure with the inevitable “So and so doesn’t have to…” that teens will throw at you when you pull them out of bed in the morning.

Every home has its problems and you should acknowledge that yours isn’t perfect, but if you have a good home, let them know it!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S. How do you help your children realize they have a good life?  I encourage you to post your comments here!

“I counted to 304 last night.” my 8 year old daughter said.

“Why did you do that?”  I asked.

“I was waiting for Mom to come scratch my back”.

As she often does, Roxanne announced after family prayer that she would be up to their bed rooms in 5 minutes to give everyone who had brushed their teeth and were in bed a back scratch.  This routine is a regular family ritual at the end of the day.  She likes to take some time with each child at bed time to talk to them and give each her undivided attention while giving them back scratches.  I’ve tried to assist at times with this important ritual, but for some reason my short nails just don’t do as well!

I asked Afton how far she could have counted before she fell asleep.  About 400 she thought.  So here’s evidence that this small act of service by my wife is looked forward to enough that a sleepy little girl could count to 400 waiting for that time together.  Our teenagers take flying leaps into the beds when they hear Mom coming too, not wanting to miss their time with her.

My thought is this; if we adults like feeling close and connected, even our prickly teenagers need that too.  Find a way to show affection very, very often.  A one armed squeeze around their shoulders, a back scratch while watching a show together, a hand laid on a shoulder while giving praise, a hip bump while teasing them, being playful in a good natured way, a wrestling match.  Think of what you used to do when your children were smaller, then find a way to reach out and connect today.

Stay tuned for our e-zine coming out next week where Roxanne will review a long loved book on little family traditions that build unity and a feeling of love and belonging.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  If you haven’t signed up for our monthly e-zine yet, or know someone who could use uplifting stories, tips from family life experts, and short, powerful, doable ideas, send this on.  Don’t miss even one issue!  It’s FREE and easy to sign up.  Click here to sign up!

When asked what he was most grateful for, my five year old son responded, “I’m grateful for my goggles, but I’m not grateful for my lost skeleton costume!”

As funny as this was, there is an important lesson embedded within.  When asked to focus on what was good in his life, my son gave a positive response at first but his mind immediately then fell into the rut of remembering what was most sad in his life…his lost Halloween costume!

Parents are anxiously and excitedly anticipating the return of their teen from treatment .  They have hopes and dreams for how their child’s life will unfold afterwards.  Anxiety, yes.  But hope too.

Fulfillment of the hopes of families is what our work is all about.  Helping the gains made in treatment not become “lost” in the transition to the real world is not only the difference between success and failure, but also the difference between gratitude and regret.  Parents and teens are thankful for the good things they learn from programs, but if they loose those gains, their gratitude for the program is diminished if not lost altogether.

Call my assistant Dawnie, If you have teens leaving treatment and you want to help them maintain their gains and their gratitude for all that they have accomplished while in your care.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
801-768-1441

P.S.  For a Christmas gift this year we are giving away thousands of dollars worth scholarships to families we serve in the months of December and January.  Just mention that you saw this post and would like your client to receive a scholarship for aftercare services and we’ll award them a scholarship in your name.

Hi there,

Two nights ago I was visiting with a 72 year old neighbor of mine named Gary.  I asked him what his greatest blessing was.  His answer was unexpected, yet profound.  “My greatest blessing is that I have always felt I had enough” he replied.  “Even when we had very little, I’ve never felt we were lacking”.  Wonderful!  At the core of Gary’s “greatest blessing” is his tendency toward gratitude and thankfulness.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. -Cicero

This Thanksgiving I challenge you and myself to experience the transformational effects of gratitude.  Let us count our blessings, appreciate what others have done for us, and see how we are changed by them.  Seeing blessings where we have overlooked them before will re-write the story of our lives without one other thing needing to improve.  Then, pass it on through kind acts for others.

Have a grateful Thanksgiving week!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
CEO/Founder
Homeward Bound/Family Front
www.homewardbound.com
www.familyfront.com

About a month ago I took my three oldest sons and my dad hunting mule deer in the high Uintah Mountains of Northeastern Utah.  On opening morning of the hunt we loaded our horses in the trailer and made our way to a place called Pigeon Water, about a 30 minute drive from my boy hood home of Talmage, Utah.

After unloading and saddling the horses, I did a last minute check to make sure the saddles were on securely and that that we had all of our gear.  Just before heading up the mountain I asked my son Mitchell (16) to tighten his cinch (the strap that wraps around the horse’s chest and holds the saddle on) to be sure his saddle wouldn’t slip…then we were off!

Mitch was riding a four year old named Joe.  Despite his young age, Joe is an exceptionally well behaved and trustworthy horse and all “seemed” to be going well…at least for a while.

We traversed some difficult terrain, with some steep climbs and lots of rock, when Joe started acting out, doing things that were out of character for him.  He pawed the ground violently, and then, without warning, he laid down on the ground while Mitch was astride his back!  Stunned at his belligerence, we tried pulling Joe to his feet!

After a few seconds struggling with him we could see that Joe’s problem was not laziness or a bad attitude.  He was laboring to breath!  We had tightened the cinch too tight and unfortunately we now couldn’t loosen it with Joe laying on his side.   My Dad, seeing what was happening and knowing that it required a firm hand, or Joe might have a heart attack, kicked him and forced him to his feet.  We were then able to quickly loosen the saddle and give Joe relief.  Within seconds, Joe began to calm down and breath easy again and we had no further problems from him the rest of the day!

So what does this story about Mitchell, Joe, and the saddle teach us about parenting?  Here are a few thoughts:

* My concern over slippage shows us that it’s natural to make rules overly restrictive when we think that if things slip a little, they will slip all the way.

* Instead of fearing slips, acknowledge that they will happen and just position yourself to quickly correct things.

* Seasoned cowboys know, it’s easier to straighten a saddle while riding when it’s snug, but not too tight.  You can put your weight in one stirrup and pull the saddle horn quickly to the side and easily straighten the saddle without ever stopping.

* If our saddle is so tight, or if we ride our horse (teen) so hard that we have a partnership break down, where he refuses to work for us (or listen to us), getting the relationship back on track and moving again requires much more time and emotional energy, than if we have the right balance between expectations and nurturance.

* Saddles, like rules are helpful, until they are cinched on our kids too tightly.  There is a happy medium where there is something to hang onto and horses become a willing partner, and when it’s so tight that the horse bucks or lays down.

* When our teens “act up”, consider that there might be other reasons besides the common negative and quick conclusions we may be in the habit of jumping to.

* Listen to our kids and make sure we’ve given them room to breathe.

Do you see other parallels from this story to parenting and family life?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Post your comments on my blog at www.drtimthayne.com because I read every post.  How does this apply to parenting?  Let’s count the ways!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.

CEO/Founder

Homeward Bound/Family Front

www.homewardbound.com

www.familyfront.com