Dr. Tim Thayne

During a recent work day on the farm helping my father and uncle, I was digging a trench under a shed, where a water line would be place to water our pigs.  A backhoe was too big to fit under the roof, so the digging had to be by hand.  I needed a pick ax to loosen and pry up the large cobble rocks so common to the area.  My dad suggested that I look in the back of his pick up truck.

The tool I found turned out to be much more than a just another pick,  it was THE pick ax.  You see, in our efforts to teach our kids some of life’s most important lessons, Roxanne and I have told and retold the story where this exact tool symbolized the grit, determination, self reliance, and work-ethic that we want our kids to gain.  I had been meaning to search the sheds to find it, and now here it was, in my hands!

The story began a few years ago when after months of coaxing, my mother and father finally convince my grandfather to move in with them.  He had been a widower for years,  and was mostly wheelchair bound due to his knees and hips being “gone”.

Immediately after relocating, grandpa’s drive to be productive pushed him to look for things he could do to contribute to the family.  Each day he would arise early, dress for the day, eat, then “go to work”…and he always found work to do.  My parents had long talked of turning part of their ranch into a family park for big family gatherings and reunions.  Grandpa caught the vision and decided to take matters into his own hands by clearing the area of sage brush and trimming all the dead branches from the many cedar and pinion pine trees.

Never asking if he could help or if there were tools available, he found an old rusty pick ax head without a handle.  Having learned resourcefulness during the depression, he looked till he found an old discarded baseball bat which he whittled down with his pocket knife into a handle.  Then Harry Thayne went to work.

Everyday he wheeled his motorized wheel chair the 100 yards or so from the house and somehow, with a crutch, shovel and pick, started the process of clearing.  While his strength was probably 10% of what it once was, “can’t” or “too much work” were not in his vocabulary.  By the end of the summer there was a huge pile of brush and limbs to be burned, and the edge of the ax had been polished till it shone from use.

As an excavator, my dad had all the equipment to do the job in under an hour…but it wasn’t about getting the job done.  It was about work, being productive, and loving your family enough to serve them each day.  What took grandpa an entire summer could have been physically accomplished in minutes with a backhoe.  But this story would never have been generated, and the symbol of his legacy would not have been created.

The wood of the old bat will be glued together and fully restored.  It will then be placed in a prominent spot in our home as a reminder of the value of work and the undeniable fact that hard work, and for me especially physical work, produces purpose and satisfaction that can’t be found anywhere else.

Please enjoy the rest of the articles in this month’s issue focused on helping children learn to work.  I hope you will find it inspiring and thought provoking as you work along side your families this summer.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

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I have a good friend who has been through some tough things in his personal and family life recently.  He hadn’t returned my calls and I didn’t know how to reach out to help.  Fortunately we ran into one another the other day.  It was a little awkward and felt like it may be best to say hello and then back off to give him his space.  We were in an airport and happened to be on the same flight, so we had a few minutes to talk.  Soon the initial surface conversation ebbed, so we started to re-tell the story of a road-trip we had taken together over 16 years earlier.  My wife begged us not to go there again, as no one found it as hilarious as we seemed to.

Ignoring her, we relived the memories of exhaustion at driving for hours, and though the landscape was boring the trip was not!  In the telling we were wiping our eyes and exaggerating the facts all over again.  Within two minutes, any defensiveness, caution, or discomfort had melted away and we felt the love for one another come rushing back to the forefront.  We have since had several warm interactions.

I tell this story because there was a friendship re-ignited by a common story, one that was remembered and retold. Years of hurt, misunderstanding, or apathy can simply melt away.  Stories are that powerful.

When teens are coming out of treatment, they feel disconnected from their natural support network.  They may feel shame, anger, or just confusion on how to talk about their experiences.  By having shared stories that are retold between them and a neighbor, an uncle, a teammate, or a sibling, the power of the story takes over and pulls that teen strongly back into their place amongst loving and caring people in their lives.  Telling old stories, and sharing the new stories of their life can instantaneously throw up a safety net under them, to protect them in a fragile period of their lives.

In this issue of HomeBase Briefings Bryan discusses how we use concepts from Narrative Therapy in helping families place meaning in their lives through the stories they tell.  Roxanne will review the book Like a Library Burning which shows what can be lost when stories aren’t preserved.  Dawnie gives you the most simple thing you can do to get stories flowing in your family.  And Chelsea shares her own heart wrenching story that turned to triumph in the number of families it has touched.  I believe you’re going to feel something in your heart, urging you to share your stories with those you love!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Some of you probably know how much I’m drawn to the country and to a simplified life style.  Well it’s calling me again.  Last weekend I drove to my father’s farm in Northeastern Utah and spent two days on a tractor plowing and disking the fields preparing them for planting.  Amazing how much business I could conduct on a cell phone inside the cab of the tractor!

Though I’d had my boys with me the previous weekend disking, I went alone to make sure that the furrows and lines I was making in the field were straight (heaven forbid that our neighbors think we don’t know what we’re doing!).  You see, if the furrows are put in crooked, it becomes extremely hard to make the next pass any straighter.  The tractor’s front tire will keep falling into the furrow from the previous trip and pretty much follow the crooked line the full length of the field. 

I remembered the advice an old farmer gave me as a boy on how to create a straight furrow.  He said, “Find a target at the far end of the field, aim your gas tank cap on front of your tractor at the target, and keep your eye on the goal”.  And that’s a great technique as long as your first pass is straight.  

You may never have the opportunity to plow a field, but there are patterns in our lives that we’d undoubtedly like to fix.  Here are some lessons from the farm that can help you correct the unseemly ruts in your thinking or behavior.

1. Keep your eye on the prize, whether it’s a fence post or a patient response to an irritant
2. Anticipate the powerful pull of old ruts and prevent yourself from falling into them
3. Create a plan for dealing with the pulls of old habits/people/environments
4. Realize that if you fall in, you will need to overcorrect not just gently lean away from the rut, to get back up on top
5. Get to the end of the row (or your trial) and take time to appreciate the now straighter furrow
6. Do the same thing again.  This time you will see that it’s far easier than the first pass.
7. Follow the same principles again…by now you’re saying, wow look how nice that worked out. 

Keep plodding and plowing away.  New habits and ways of thinking build off of one successful furrow!

To family success and happiness!

Today I’ve decided to share a blog post I wrote on the Family Bridge of a new family that I’m working with.  I was in their home yesterday for the first time.  Just as in all families, I found that this family had many strengths and exceptions to the predominant problem story that is blocking their vision.  These exceptions are times when the “normal” didn’t occur.  I thought you might appreciate seeing the solution focused nature of the work we do and be reminded that every family can benefit from this kind of focus.

Hi [Smiths],

I really enjoyed visiting your home and getting to know your family better yesterday.  You are a great family and I’m excited to be able to work with you!

Yesterday we talked about many things, but there was one principle that stood out to me as the most important and most hope producing principle for your family, and that is “Focus on the Overlooked Exceptions in Order to Make Them More of the Rule!” 

You shared with me that there is a great exception to the family struggles you experience that takes place every year when you go on vacation to the beach for two weeks.  There’s no doubt that those special occasions make it easier to experience the relationship vision you have as a family.  But the greatest value will be to identify and then bring home pieces of that experience to the day-to-day world of your home and family.  I’m convinced that there are exceptional words said, activities engaged in, patience exhibited, and communication that takes place while you are at the beach that make these excursions highlights in your family culture.  Thankfully those are also things you can transport back from the beach to [Chicago, Illinois].  Isn’t that great news! 

So here’s my invitation to you.  From now until the time you come home from the trip, identify and focus on those things that are working, in whatever setting they may occur.  Then become convinced that the warmth or success can be bottled up and let loose, even if just at 10% of what you created at the beach, in your home.  Think of the difference even 10% would make!  Exciting to think about isn’t it?!

I absolutely believe in the power of focusing on the exception to the problem story.  It can change the whole look and feel of a relationship.

To Your Family Success and Happiness!

The other night, when I heard myself saying “Forget it…I don’t want to talk about it.” I heard this little angle pop up on my shoulder and ask me what the most important keys to good relationships are. I found myself acknowledging what I’ve said, along with most professionals in our field, literally thousands of times. Good communication!

Unfortunately, because the word communication has become such a buzz word, everyone having heard it for the umpteenth time, most people close their ears immediately when they hear it. Ironic isn’t it?!

Well today I’m going to give you four simple tips that will absolutely transform your communication, and as a result, your relationships (if practiced consistently). So go ahead and re-open your mind and pretend this is the first time you’ve ever heard that communication is so key.

When trying to solve a persistent problem, don’t communicate in the way you always have. And if you do, don’t be shocked when you just sink deeper into the rut that takes you to that same unhappy ending again. Instead, try these principles that are part of the model we use with our own families. It’s called Solution Talk:

1)  Have the right attitude. Be humble, tentative, non-judgmental, open to be changed/influenced by the other person, and most important, be curious.

2)  Keep the right focus. Stay on just one issue, stay focused in the present and future, and look for solutions and common ground.

3)  Manage your emotions. Be responsible for how you feel. Don’t let your emotions get high-jacked by the situation. Recognize when emotions start to take you away from the essential attitudes and foci listed above, and manage them.

4)  Avoid toxic communication. NEVER allow words that feel like a personal attack, blaming, defensive, or belittling come out of your mouth! If you first “do no harm”…then great good has the opportunity and safety to emerge.

So there you have it! As simple as it sounds, it will have deeply profound results in your relationships if you problem-solve with just those four tips. I have seen miracles happen when people are taught for the first time how to communicate effectively, and the other person really “hears” what is being said. Please use this on your most important relationships within your family first. That’s where the world can be changed the most. Then, use it anywhere you want to improve things. I admit that I have a needed conversation waiting for me in my home too. So, let’s get out there and do something about it!

To Family Success and Happiness!

When we were newly weds, we lived in an apartment complex that was in a square shape, with a grassy courtyard in the middle.  We were all facing IN.  We knew everyone in the complex.  We were all starving students, many starting their families, and we depended on each other for a lot of things; food, empathy, entertainment, advice and companionship.  It was a golden period of friendship. 
 
When my sister was building her home, their family lived in a 5th wheel trailer for nearly 5 months.  She had 4 little children at the time.  They were thinking it would be a huge trial.  However, once they moved into their beautiful big home, the children were scared and lonely and asked if they could move back to the trailer!  They missed being close.
 
There is a parallel between physical closeness and relationship closeness.  I see it all the time in my counseling.  When couples first come in, they sit on opposite sides of the couch, leaning away from each other.  As they start to open up to one another, and feel their closeness and love increase, they shift IN  to each other on the couch, till they are hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder, usually holding hands.
 
So if you are finding your relationships feeling too distant, try physically putting yourself in settings that require more contact.  Then use your best efforts to connect in positive ways.  If you will resist the urge to fight more because of proximity (and you can avoid this if you choose to), you will almost automatically begin to see the love and closeness increase. 
 
We are on a family vacation this week traveling through the national parks in Southern Utah and Northern Arizona…in an RV.  I’m already seeing, admiring and appreciating little things about my children just because I’m not distracted and am close enough to hear and see them clearly.
 
By the way…it’s the 100th anniversary of RVing in the United States.  One hundred years of forced family togetherness!
 

For the last year or so Roxanne and I have had a growing concern about one of our sons who has been struggling with anxiety and feeling down.  So we reached out to our friends, family, and neighbors (our “home team”) in a confidential letter asking for their support.  This was a humbling experience, but one that I could not avoid, as for years now I’ve been preaching the value of parents reaching out to others for help in bringing their teens home from treatment.  How could I then, in my own family’s need, not reach out and do the same? My son needed to know that he was important to others outside of our family.
 
The outpouring of love has been instantaneous, creative and inspiring and it has clearly made a difference to our son.  Now let me share with you just one, very simple but powerful things that have happened in his scout troop where his two scout leaders received the letter.  
 

From the day they received the letter, one called to tell me what he had observed in troop activities.   Another made a point during a meeting where parents were present, to announce that our boy had broken the troop record for the longest flexed arm hang.  A couple of weeks ago we were late getting him to scouts and his leader just came by and picked him up.  Our son knows he would be missed if he wasn’t there.  Then last weekend my son and I went on a winter camp out called the “Klondike Derby” (not my favorite time of the year to camp!).  The boys love it because they get to race the sled they made against the other troops in the area.  But the most important experience for him must have been the genuine interest that his leaders paid to him as we stood around the campfire.  They teased him, asked his opinion, took his picture, and they just talked to him one-on-one.  His smile told me that he felt good.
 
Does sharing some of the worries in your heart about one of your children seem awkward or hard?  Then simply pick one person to talk to or send an email to.  Start there.  Please know that in my experience, with literally thousands upon thousands of the people who have been “invited” to be involved with a struggling teen, people overwhelmingly feel honored by being included!  How would you feel if another parent called you?  Let them know that there is no specific expectation from you,  but that you hope that by knowing a little more of “the story” they will take that permission and reach out to the child in some way that will make a difference. 
 
A healthy adult isn’t built in one day, or by one other person.  We all have the responsibility and privilege to positively influence those around us.
 
Give it a try! 

Sure, bread does, relationships do, and so does your brain if you aren’t constantly feeding it. 

Last week my team members and I attended a fantastic workshop put on by the famous John Gottman.  He spoke as part of Utah Marriage Week, and he was fantastic!  A researcher who studies why some marriages are the “masters” and others are the “disasters”, Gottman has done so much for the field of marriage and family therapy, it was not only fun, but humbling to learn at his feet for a day.

My point today is this; we need to be learning and growing, or we are sliding backwards, becoming stale.  Our brain needs new food to chew on, preferably daily, or it too becomes malnourished and doesn’t perform.  Whenever I feel like I know it all, I just have to start reading and I realize again how much there is to learn and how fun it can be!

When I am studying my counseling is better, my business does better, my wife and children are happier, and, honestly, so am I!

I’m telling you this because on Thursday the February edition of our HomeBase Briefings newsletter comes out.  If you are getting these e-mails from me, but have not seen the HomeBase Briefings yet, you are missing out on some great food for thought.  It includes sections on:

* easy family activities
* fascinating research findings
* captivating book reviews
* interesting tips on family life,
* and charming responses from our readers..

To receive this free monthly newsletter, simply respond to this e-mail saying you “want to learn something new” and it’ll be delivered to your inbox each month, starting Thursday!  Or sign up now by clicking here
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No, this isn’t about the Super Bowl!  This is about a powerful tool for change.

Last week I was meeting with a young man who was graduating from a residential treatment program in two days.  I was glad to finally meet him, as I have been talking with his parents about the transition home since May of last year!

I asked him “Be honest with me.  How strong is your commitment to staying away from drugs and alcohol when you go home?  I’m just curious.”

He said “It’s fantastic!  I’ve learned what kind of person I become when I start to use those things and I don’t like that person.  I’m committed to staying away from it 100% going forward.”

Inspiration struck, and I told him and his therapist to hold that thought as I sprinted outside to my car and grabbed my digital voice recorder.  With recorder in hand we started the conversation again.  I was inspired by this young man and there was a tangible feeling of hope and joy in the room as we talked about his future.  This moment had to be captured! 

To add to his comments, I recorded my own experience with him that day as well as some of the visual reminders of that moment, like how we could see through the window a view of the valley, and how he could see forever with that clear view.  I was trying to document for him his environment, how clear and alive his eyes were, and the brightness of his future.

No doubt there will be really difficult days ahead.  When I travel to his home tomorrow I’ll have the privilege of meeting with the friends, family, and mentors in his life.  It will be very moving to the group when I have him play that recording for them, as they weren’t lucky enough to be there on that day. 

We’ll also post this on his Family Bridge, so he can replay it over and over when he needs another shot in the arm.   It’s also available to inspire his support team in helping him press forward in the goals he’s set for himself.

This works for us all, you know.  Whether it be:
• in a journal,
• on audio,
• in a video,
• or taped to your bathroom mirror 

Find a way to capture the goals you set and have a way and time set to revisit them often.  There’s nothing as inspiring as someone who’s inspired.  This can be you…for yourself!

My mother-in-law gave me a book for Christmas that delivers a daily dose of knowledge on topics from art to science to history.  I was fascinated reading about the Black Death (Bubonic Plague) that swept Europe for 5 years in the mid 1300’s.  Highly contagious, an estimated 25 million people, one third of the population of Europe, succumbed to this quick and fatal disease.  Can you imagine how devastating that must have been?  They call it a natural holocaust.

I started wondering what could be considered a plague in our families today.  It hit me during a marriage therapy session I was conducting this afternoon.

It’s selfishness.

The carrier (selfish person) can quickly spread the ugliness and destruction to others, who will find it hard to combat, wearing down emotionally, and finally succumbing to the natural course that selfishness takes.

The devastation left in the wake is broken hearts, homes, and lives. And the scary thing is that we are all afflicted with it off and on in our lives.  Next time you find yourself in a situation where your temper is rising, or you hear yourself justifying something you’ve done, ask this simple question:

“Is there anything selfish about what I am doing or saying here?”

That’s it.  It is honestly that simple.  Recognize it, stop it, and change it.

A little awareness goes a long way to curbing the effects of any plague, and self-awareness can save us from this horrible form of self-destruction.