Last spring, Roxanne and I went to England and Scotland for our 20th anniversary. We arrived just days after the royal wedding. Estimates say that something like 2 billion people watched as Prince William and his long-time girl friend Catherine Middleton were married in the 1000 year old Westminster Abbey. The truth is, I never thought I would be among their numbers. Roxanne would tell you that I pride myself on staying apathetic towards the lives of the rich and famous. I’m more moved by the less assuming lives of the commoners around me who will never grace the pages of People Magazine.

But there I was, 4am Mountain Standard Time sitting in front of our HD television viewing the royal wedding. How did I get there at that crazy hour watching something I never planned to? Well…it probably has something to do with the fact that my wife has been a Princess Diana fan since her father, a professor of British history, went through the trouble 30 years ago of waking his young family to watch as Prince Charles wed Lady Diana. The memory of that unique family event is still vivid in her mind as something special.

When the alarm rang at 3:30 a.m. Roxanne woke our daughter, her sister and her two daughters, and her mother for the event. Bundled in blankets with tea and biscuits on china plates, they watched. I lay there wanting to fall back to sleep. Instead of sleep, a sense that I wanted to share in whatever was causing my wife and daughter so much excitement prevailed and I stumbled out of bed. I didn’t want to hear about this wedding for years to come without being able to picture what they were talking about.

Humbly I confess, my time was well spent. Let me share some of the things that impressed me.

First, this story is one of hope, happiness and commitment between two people to love, serve, and be faithful to each other…and there were 2 BILLION people witnessing it. Positive stories don’t attract that kind of attention normally and when commoners like me marry, as beautiful and inspiring as it is, only close family and friends witness it. For a day, all of Great Britain, and millions on every continent celebrated marriage.

In the witnessing, here’s what impressed me in order of importance. The Dress! (I’m kidding.) I was intrigued by William’s spurs. Did you see the spurs? My guess is about 1 in every 10 million viewers saw them.

No, for me it was the words spoken by the head of the Church of England. They were beautiful, lofty and inspiring and should be written down for the couple to reference throughout their lives together. It was a time of vows and sacred promises publicly made, (no other marriage ceremony has been so public!)

I loved the tradition that came with it. It was not casual, at least not American casual. It was formal, reverenced, and filled with tradition. The fly by of the World War II fighter planes represented to me victory, freedom, and sacrifice. I admit that I teared up. It was much more powerful than the more modern jets that also flew over because the older planes linked me back to the stories of World War II and what those people endured.

“The Kiss” on the balcony at Buckingham Palace was one of the most anticipated events of the day. Why? My guess is that this public display of affection connects people to all the prince and princess stories of our childhood with weddings, horse drawn carriages, and the symbolic kiss that represents commitment, love, affection and happily-ever-after.

While I know that this is no fairy tale story with a ride-off-into-the-sunset ending, there were so many great take-aways. The biggest for me is that there are moments in our lives when an experience shines. These are moments when our lives are right where they should be and everything works out just like we hoped, or even better. Those highlights are just as real as are the grinding times. Stories like this inspire me to live my life so that my trend is ever upward, closing the gap between the holiday’s assigned for us to show love, and my every day loving rituals. Let’s be there for our loved ones in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.

Here’s to your Happily-Ever-After!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder, Homeward Bound

“Unmotivated” has got to be one of the top 5 descriptors we hear from parents when telling us about their struggling teen.

It turns out that motivating our kids, and helping them learn self-motivation, is one of the great tasks of parenthood.  We all know that there is a lot riding on our children acquiring as much of this magic dust as possible.

As with so many of the other disciplines and qualities we hope our kids develop, it’s easy as a parent to notice only the reverse of these qualities.  Laziness, dishonesty, or disrespect assaults and insults us.  We can’t miss them.  However, it’s a lot more difficult to notice the quiet and more tentative acts of initiative, honesty, and kindness.  Just because we haven’t noticed great motivation in our kids, doesn’t mean that the seeds aren’t waiting for the right conditions to spring forth.

So how do we encourage motivation in our kids?  Again, as in just about everything else in life, a balanced approach is usually best.  Let me share three examples of how parents haven’t done it right.

First:  I worked with a young man who really enjoyed tennis.  His father was a very successful business man and recognized the fact that his son was motivated around the game.  Dad was thrilled.  He knew that self motivation was a key ingredient to his own success.  The father decided that since his son had some self motivation and natural ability, he would oversee things to ensure that he was spending the time required to become great.  He hired a personal tennis coach, sent him to summer camps, and entered him in tournaments.  Sounds good right?  Well, in this case the father effectively commandeered the boy’s passion and made it his own.  Unfortunately, the tactics backfired and it wasn’t long before the boy despised tennis and wanted nothing to do with it.  This parent was way too “Hands on”.

Second:  I’ve also seen another approach, sometimes used by me honestly.  When you see disturbing signs of apathy or laziness, you wrongfully assume that if you push, you’ll find more of the motivation you are looking for in the child.  So you point out the fact that your son sleeps too late on weekends, is constantly leaving home too late to avoid being tardy at school and that he never pick up his clothes from his bedroom floor without being nagged.  Now, instead of feeling motivated to change those things, our teens resist change and the label “lazy” or “unmotivated” seems to fit more than ever.  This type of parents is too “Hands On” as well.

Third:  This strategy is used by parents who recognize their teen’s passion and work to facilitate it.  As the teen spends more and more time in one area of life, the parent removes any obstacles to running with the dream.  When we are too accommodating of an interest or gift, teens may choose to ignore the less desirable skills of life, i.e. grades, chores, respectful behavior, etc.  In an effort to be supportive, parents inadvertently teach teens that it’s ALL about their interests.  Over time, the teen starts to feel that he has no obligation to things that don’t interest him.  This is a good thing run amok. It’s too ‘Hands Off.”

In watching my own kids I have seen major lacks in motivation, and then surprising feats in discipline.  As you well know, every child is different, has different interests, and gets up for different things.  Your challenge, Mom and Dad, is to help them become aware of what is exciting to them.  As an adult and a student of your child’s gifts, you are best qualified to show them new ways to utilize their energy around that motivator.  You will also have to be the bad guy and remind them that they can’t toss the rest of their life in pursuit of that goal.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder

Homeward Bound

I’m sitting here at my desk, 10 days into the New Year, with a headache, foggy brain, and a growling stomach.  I catch myself drooling over the jar of gumballs sitting on my desk.  Yes.  You guessed it.  I’m just one of millions of people in the US who have a new year’s resolution to do something about my health in 2012.   My plan starts with detoxifying my body with a juice fast for 7 days (I’m on day 4), restart a regular exercise routine, and then eat mostly raw whole foods for the next two months.  Sound extreme?

I could get down on myself for not already having mastered this once and for all, but the fact is that change is hard to initiate and then to maintain.  We often need several tries at it. Would you agree that change is tough?  Here’s why it’s so:

• Stopping Something.  Change almost always involves stopping something we are currently doing, or changing a pattern that is well established, while at the same time starting something new that is in direct opposition to the pattern.   It’s like stopping a battle ship and turning it in a new direction and it always requires a ton of energy and commitment!

• Higher Level. The new thing we want to do, be, or accomplish is always on a higher plane. With the turning of a new year most of us evaluate ourselves and see that we have sunk, slacked, or been asleep in areas that need our attention and it’s time to elevate.

• Entropy.  Defined as “the tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.”  What that means is that every system, especially living systems like we humans and relationships, evolves to a state of chaos and disorder.  It’s a universal law.  Look at the pyramids of Egypt.  Did you know that there was a thick slab of granite rock that once covered their facades?  Entropy is at work in the wind, rain, gravity and other elements and the granite is now gone.

Because my team of coaches and I work with families, we see them working on their own masterpieces within the walls of their own homes.  They are striving and succeeding at turning conflict into peace, relationship break downs into healing, and the turbulence of adolescence into mutual love and respect in adulthood.  The interesting thing is that the same principles that work to overcome decay in physical work and achievement, applies equally well to family relationships.  We need to support families as they work out their success with these three true principles:

• Dreams.  Last night I watched a documentary titled “Man on Wire”.  A Frenchman who walked a tight rope between the Twin Towers in the 70’s.  While his dream would certainly not be mine, this documentary illustrates what can happen when someone is compelled by a dream.  Dreams, when compelling enough, put in motion planning, preparation, and allocation of personal resources to make them come true.

• Commitment.  Some people say that goals are not really goals until they are written down.  I would add that commitment really isn’t a commitment until something inside us changes from “I’ll try” to “I will”.  The moment this happens it shakes us to the core.  It’s big.
• Persistence.  As with my health, when we try to develop a new habit things get harder before they get easier.  My advice is to acknowledge this fact up front at the time you make the commitment.  Expect tough going and then welcome the bumps when they come.  It means you are still moving forward AND you are close to the point where the going get’s easier!

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased”—Ralph  Waldo Emerson

Print this quote out and paste it on your mirror, fridge, or teen’s forehead.   Remind yourself that it will get harder before it gets easier.  But the key to this is that it DOES get easier.  The intense junk food cravings I have today for example, will not be nearly so intense a couple days from now.

Dream, commit, persist.  I wish you steady success in your New Year’s resolutions.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

This month’s Notes From Home is focused on teen substance abuse and how to prevent it. Unfortunately, a large percentage of the teens we work with are past the point of “prevention.”  However, the solid and true principles discussed here most assuredly have the power to reduce or stop substance abuse.

We could share the gloomy national statistics on teenage substance abuse and how those that abuse substances are far more likely to develop a full blown addition.  But those are just statistics.  They rarely speak to us and cause us to change.

To start out, you must be visionary as a parent and imagine the kind of family life and children you want to have long before you have teens.  What values do I want my children to have, etc.  Then set the example.  Nothing weakens parental authority like incongruence between our own standards and those we are trying to instill in our children.  I know that from personal experience around driving safely.

I always tend to buy cars that want to go fast.  These cars are just made up that way. (I blame it on my mom allowing my brother and I to buy an orange Trans Am as teenagers.)   One of my justifying thoughts for my “adult driving” habits is that I’m more mature and have had years of experience driving.  I’ve practiced going fast for 30 years now!

But it’s not a value of mine to go fast.  It’s a bad habit.  The value that I really want to instill in my children is to be law abiding citizens and to be cautious and careful in driving.  Well, I’m not always congruent with that. When my kids were young they didn’t know to check my speedometer against the speed limits posted along the high way.  They are now old enough to do so.

Every time I see my son backing out of our long driveway like a bat out of you-know-where, I have two emotions.  One is anger that he could be so careless and the other is guilt that I have done the same thing and he has watched me.

In prevention, my first piece of advice to parents is that if you want your children to never take a drink, take a hit, or pop a pill, and thus never fall into the grips of substance abuse and addiction, raise the bar on yourself and determine to live your own life in a way that eliminates any twinge of hypocrisy.  I know that’s asking a lot.  But prevention is where the greatest opportunity exists.

I hope you’ll be inspired to act, by what you read here.  As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences, so write us back if you’d like to share.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

Homeward Bound

The night we heard he had moved on, Roxanne and I were driving south to Arizona for my sister Callie’s wedding.  We were on our way to celebrate a new union and the beginning of a new family, when the patriarch of the Thayne family passed.  He was 92.

The next few hours were spent reminiscing with each other and with family members by phone. Tears were shed and hearts were lifted as we mourned his death and celebrated an extraordinary and inspiring life.

His life was one remarkable story after another.  Surviving being kicked in the head by a horse at age 8, having two cars fall on him, having three daughters die, raising 4 of his granddaughters, scraping out a living, surviving cancer 22 years past his prescribed death date by eating only nutritious and life sustaining foods, etc.  As my grandmother said in her written history “We had four bare hands and two hearts full of love. Others may have had more that we did, but no one had more love.”  This was illustrated best for us as he used his 8th grade education, and unlimited mechanical ingenuity to create inventions to care for grandma when she was bedridden the last 6 years of her life.  One of those being the hoist system he created to lift her from her bed to the bathroom, made with wheels, a metal tripod frame, cables, and a soft sheep skin sling for her comfort.

On the day of his funeral the printed program listed his posterity.  There were well over 200 names.  Many of those listed; grandchildren, great grandchildren and a few great great grandchildren, sat in the church pews last Saturday, hearts open, inspired, and proud to be related to this 5’6” giant of a man “tough as they come.”

On the way home my niece, who’s other great grandfather was a very prominent individual in our religious community, commented that being there and hearing story after story about her great grandpa made her proud to be a Thayne.  She valued and identified with the stories of his simple, determined, and loyal life.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  My hope is that you and your family will be able to share stories around the dinner table that highlight the strengths of your heritage.  Children and teens need this.  Every one of them needs to see the connection of their own unfolding story with these people and the values and character represented by their stories.

One more piece of advice:  as you pick the stories, be selective.  Choose to retell stories that lift, that bring good humor, and that highlight strengths rather than weaknesses.  The stories we tell ourselves, and those we tell our children, have an impact and tend to manifest in our lives.

Wishing you all a joyful Thanksgiving, with a generous serving of the best stories your family has to offer.

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound

A week or so later Roxanne went to get the name of the resident we would be visiting. Rather than sort through index cards to find one that would be most “comfortable” to visit (probably something I would be tempted to do) Roxanne drew a name randomly. We had all become more accustomed to visiting the dementia patients from the time we spent visiting her father in a similar facility. Little did we know that when she pulled the name of Lucille, the Thayne family would be the greatest beneficiaries in the new relationship.

Our first visit was an impromptu drop in one early afternoon by just Roxanne and me. The nursing home was beautiful with a large gathering room where a dozen lazy boy recliners made a large circle. Some of the chairs were draped with afghan quilts. After locating a staff member, and asking if we could visit Lucille, she was ushered in to the room arm in arm with the staff.

It didn’t take long to find out that Lucille couldn’t remember much about her life, as well as the fact that she was one of the sweetest women we had ever met. As we were finishing up our visit that day she grabbed both of our hands, pulled us close and said, “I just love you two, do you get it? Do you get it?” We got it. After assuring her we would remind her of who we were at our next visit, we floated out the front door feeling the love that she had shared with us.

The next visit our two youngest children accompanied their friends to sing to the residents. They too came out beaming and anxious to share their stories about Lucille with their siblings. Finally, all of our children were able to visit. Not only did Lucille stroke their arms, pull them in close for hugs, laugh, tease, and play her harmonica, she also set some expectations for them.

She started out with saying “Well, aren’t you just good lookin’? And this one here is as well.” But then she went on to encourage and state her expectations. She said “You are a good boy, I can see that. You will do the right things, wont you? I know you will. You’re just a good boy, I can tell you that for sure.”

Embedded deep within her is the instinct to mother, to nurture, to encourage, and to state her expectations of us. She had done it for all of her adult life, and it’s what came naturally to her now.

I’ve witnessed it over and over again, that people will rise to the level of their belief of your belief in them. If we are going to set expectations with our children, it must be done in a positive way. It shouldn’t always be done in a formal sit-down situation where you are addressing problem areas at the same time. It is most effectively done when there is a feeling of love present, when their hearts and ears are open wide. “You’re a great kid and you’re going to be a great husband and father someday. You are someone I know I can trust to handle such and such.”

What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t have genuine beliefs and expectations of our children? It would be chaos. Very few of us would have become who we are today without people in our lives having great expectations for us.

As you read this issue of Notes From Home, I believe you will find some great insight and challenges to your ideas around expectations. As always, we’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to write us back with your comments or personal experiences.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

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About 4 years ago my sleep problems had grown to a point that my sleep, or the lack thereof, became an obsession.  In social settings the topic of sleep deprivation would invariably come up and I found that many of my friends had similar problems.  That became our number one topic of conversation.  “How did you sleep last night?  Are you doing better yet?  Have you found anything that’s helping?”  We were all searching for a magic bullet, and we were desperate.

The obsession with sleep of course peaks at bed time as you prepare for–what will undoubtedly be–another frustrating night without much sleep.  I could feel the anxiety build as I would walk into our bedroom.

One night I was going through my nightly ritual preparing for bed.  I had gone through and locked all of the doors to keep out bad guys, shut every shutter to keep out light, made sure that all the kids were down so they wouldn’t wander in and wake me up, and made my way to the bathroom mirror.  My eyes were blood shot and I had a vacant depressed look on my face.  I had become accustomed to this look, but now I was watching myself do something I had never done before.  I was standing there in a new pair of silky pajamas I had acquired with the hope that being able to slide more easily when I turned over between the sheets would be the thing that would help me sleep.  As I watched myself button up the top button I thought to myself “Wow, I look like an old man who is beginning to lose touch with reality!”  It scared me. I didn’t recognize myself and it was time to change.

Roxanne has always been a “gifted” sleeper.  At one time I teased her because I thought the mid day naps were excessive.  Now I’m a believer and envy her ability to drift off quickly on her way to a 20 minute power nap.  I’m working on being a better sleeper and have made a lot of progress with more still to come.

Some of the things that have helped me improve my sleeping are:

• Getting off sleep medication (I had nearly three days without sleep when I quit)

• Finding ways to lower the stress in my life (Exercise can help)

• Turning off work related thoughts by 6pm (embracing the fact that my sleep and health are so much more important than anything work related)

• Not watching TV or reading on the computer, late into the evening

• Taking Melatonin supplements (a natural hormone secreted by the pineal gland)

• Not obsessing about getting my mind to shut off like I want it to (the obsession about my thinking was worse than the thinking itself)

With age comes wisdom and self awareness.  I saw how my sleep deprivation was affecting me and those around me.  Our teens may not be so perceptive.  Maybe you’ll find some answers for helping them in this month’s Notes From Home.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

 Last week I heard the story of a heroic act where a random group of bystanders, construction workers and college students near Utah State University, joined together to lift a burning car off of a motorcyclist who was trapped underneath.  The inspiring event was captured on a moving 60 second video (see the link below):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAtXDlttNxg

When I did the Google search to find the story to share with you, I typed in “channel 2 news burning car.”  Low and behold, another story popped up of a man in Georgia who, a week earlier than the USU incident, risked his life to save another stranger in a burning car.  The intriguing story shares that this man had tried to save his own sister in a fire many years earlier, but was unsuccessful.  You could feel the pain behind his words when he said, “I tried, but today, I feel good because I did what I didn’t get to fulfill in 1956.”  What a long time to have to wait. In both events the people were called “heroes” and “angels.”  They were in the right place, at the right time and they possessed the right instincts.

(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/28762610/detail.html)

The media can inundate us with stories of violence and crime, where the people involved seem to be missing the instinct to do good.  But in reality most people are good.  Most of us would respond to help someone in a crisis, especially when someone takes the lead and shows us how.

We are privileged to tap into the hero network every day at Homeward Bound.  Our families are the beneficiaries of people simply doing what comes natural, stepping in where help is needed, offering whatever they have available to offer.  I believe in heroes, and in my book they don’t have to charge through flames to be given that title.  Most heroes quietly go about their days when, in a moment, they are given the opportunity to step up and save someone literally or figuratively.

Sometimes, in our over-emphasized protection of privacy, we find it easier to aid a stranger than our own neighbor, co-worker, or niece.  We may be waiting for a signed waiver as the green light to go ahead and act.  These heroes and angels were a random sample of people in an intersection.  The good inside them pushed them into action and they saved lives.  Consider this email your green light to act.

To Family Happiness,

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

P.S.  Do you have a story of your own of a hero who reached out to help? I’d love for you to share it on my blog www.drtimthayne.com for other’s to enjoy.

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If you’ll remember, in both movies Indians were used to help the soldiers track people they considered fugitives. These Native Americans were referred to as scouts and their job was to lead the soldiers to the renegades.  They would stay close to the ground and search for signs that would tell them the direction, speed, and number of horses, in the fleeing band.  Their expertise in tracking, a skill probably gained as they hunted for food, told them about the travels of the fugitives.  A broken twig, a light impression in the dirt, disturbed grass, all these were signs that told a story.  By following these kinds of clues they were able to zero in on and find the party on the run.

One of our jobs as a parent is to identify the strengths and natural gifts of our children.  Doing so requires our earnest attention because most gifts are subtle and need nurturing to blossom.  Finding them requires a sensitivity to strengths that others with less skill or interest would miss.  Parents who are attuned to their child will observe the gifts in their children and in the process find subtle evidence leading to the child’s strengths, their passion, and the things that make them uniquely able to contribute to the world.

Years ago I developed a coaching process for managers of business organizations that I titled Solution-Focused Coaching.  It was developed in part by using some of the principles and philosophy from Solution Focused Therapy and other strength based models.  Essentially this coaching model is an approach to developing people by keying into their strengths and talents.  Rather than concentrating on people’s mistakes and weaknesses, the manager’s focus shifts to successes and areas of natural ability.  Weaknesses are managed, but are not the center of attention.

As a parent would you consider yourself adept at finding your child’s strengths or are you more likely to focus more on their weaknesses?  My guess is that most of us, most of the time, tune into the weaknesses, mistakes, and immaturity of our teens.  We believe that if we do not help them overcome their weaknesses and poor decision making, these “flaws” will come back to ruin them or at least severely limit their potential.  While there is some truth to the fact that choices lead to consequences and those consequences can be devastating, operating out of fear will cause us to spend a disproportionate amount of time focusing on their weaknesses.  And the truth is, this type of scrutiny rarely fixes the weaknesses and certainly doesn’t help them develop their strengths.

Excellence or greatness comes when natural gifts are tapped into, or when someone’s passion is identified and facilitated.  Higher levels are achieved when what is natural and already present is built upon.  This does not mean that parents shouldn’t deal with weaknesses.  This is necessary, but we must keep in mind that this is not the route to excellence.

My hope for you in reading today’s blog is that you will learn to sense when you are on the trail of a strength, or when you are close to uncovering a significant motivator for your child.  I think you will learn that your greatest tools are your eyes and ears, and the most important belief is that the child you are thinking about already has within himself or herself the strengths needed to overcome problems and achieve success.  Carrying and vocalizing such a belief will give you a balanced approach that will help your child’s strengths and potential blossom.

Grandchildren reciprocate the adoration.  They love their grandparents.  They get as excited about grandma coming over as they would to see the ice cream man parked across the street.  This mutual love in the relationship sets up an opportunity for your child to be mentored and loved like no other.  The reason the role has that potential power, is that a grandparent doesn’t usually carry the weight of responsibility to train and teach daily that the parents bear.  They feel freedom to love unconditionally.

Truth be told, the grandparents like the intermittent nature of the grand parenting relationship.  You may have heard one joke that after a long weekend with the kids, the most beautiful site was the taillights of the car as their adult children drove off with them again.  Grandparents need time to rejuvenate and come back again fresh and happy.

Many times I’ve worked with teens who’s struggles began around the death of a grandparent, which tells you again how important that relationship can be.  One of the most poignant experiences I had in the wilderness as a therapist, was with a young man who had become depressed and turned to self-medicating after the death of his grandpa.  There was some inside story between he and his grandpa about a butterfly, his grandfather’s favorite insect.

While in the desert, in a moment of real sorrow, he felt his grandpa’s presence and felt comforted.  Suddenly a butterfly came and landed on his shoulder.  He expressed to me that he believes this was his grandpa’s way of telling him he was there for him.  From that moment on, he began to make amazing progress in his recovery.

Even if your grandchildren are teens and seem embarrassed by you or seem to do fine without you, please don’t ever underestimate your power as a grandparent.  You don’t need to be hip and cool.  That’s not what your young people need.  They need your love and presence.