Dr. Tim Thayne

As the white Dodge truck pulling a red horse trailer drove away from our home, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Inside the trailer was a spirited paint gelding who had taught my son Talmage more about leadership, assertiveness, and the kind of girl you don’t want to marry, than any other person (or animal) could have.

The story began over 2 years earlier when I flew to Billings, Montana with my good friend, Lee Caldwell. We were going to one of the largest horse auctions in the country and I was on a mission to bring home a couple “kid” horses for my two sons. While on the plane Lee gave me some expert advice that I would later regret not listening to. “Be careful not to get caught up in the moment and start bidding when a great looking horse comes into the ring, if you haven’t seen it out back in the corrals first” he said. He explained how dishonest people will sometimes drug the horse before it comes into the sales barn to make it seem calm and docile. Read the rest of this entry »

You never know how something will turn out so withhold judgment until the end.

A couple weeks ago I traveled to Oklahoma City to work with a family who’s teen had just come home from a treatment program.  The final day went by too quickly and I ended up staying longer than I had planned at the family’s home.  Because I was in a hurry, Murphy’s law kicked in and I ended up missing an exit then needed to get directions to find the road back to the airport. The end result was that I was too late for my bags to be checked.  Tired and ready to be home, I imagined myself having to find a hotel and spend the night and catch a plane in the morning.

Before giving up I got in line to speak to a ticket agent and check to see if there were other flights leaving that would get me home, no matter how late.  I would be helped by one of two people.  One looked professional and friendly, the other, well let’s just say that I’ve seen government employees with more enthusiasm for their work.  Undoubtedly she had been on the job all day dealing with people like me who, because of poor planning on their part had missed their plane and wanted her to magically make everything all better.  Murphy’s law…I got her.

Read the rest of this entry »

A few years ago while making dinner, my kids were in the family room talking, watching TV, and basically not helping me!  Feeling like a victim, I thought to myself “Why is that room called the family room?  I guess I’m not a part of the family, because I never get to sit in there.”  I mulishly made the decision that I was going to create a new family room…one where I could ban the television, sit down and enjoy my family.

So I painted the dining room, bought the round table I wanted–telling Tim he was off the hook for a Mother’s Day gift–and lined the walls with pictures and symbols that meant something to the Thaynes.  Now I had created something that fit my definition of a family room.

I discovered the book Around the Family Table By Ronda Coleman on Amazon.  It just so happens it was exactly what I needed to morph into the “Fun Mom” I dream of being one day.  Ronda Coleman struggled herself with getting seven children together for a meal.  Once there, she found that their discussions were far from inspiring, meaningful, or thought provoking.  So with the encouragement of her husband and daughters, she created a book of 365 mealtime conversations for parents and children.

• What would be the worst part of being innocent and in prison?
• Do you think this happens often?
• What was the first time you remember being away from home over-night.
• Was it fun or scary?
• What is waiting at the other end of your rainbow?
• You’ve been given the responsibility to name this year’s Person of the Year.  Whom do you choose?  Why?

Before giving my recommendation, I experimented and give my hearty approval.  My kids fight over the book.  We rarely get around the table on one question before someone else wants to read their question.  This provides great fodder for etiquette training on how to listen politely.  Everyone wants to be heard, and their faces light up when everyone’s eyes are on them.

There are no “right” or “wrong” answers to these questions, and they speak to young and old alike.  I was amazed at the smarty-pants answers my youngest came up with.  I was irked at the chauvinistic answers my older boys would give, till I realized they were just trying to get a rise out of me.  We laughed, listened, and talked on subjects that we never would have plucked out of the air on our own.

It’s a tiny little book, and can fit easily into any centerpiece you have on the table today.  Wouldn’t it be a fun gift to unwrap at your next meal together?  Though it’s not the only way to come up with great conversation, it sure makes things simple on Mom.  Plus, who doesn’t love the assignment to buy another book?!

Eat, Sleep, Read!

Roxanne Thayne
Marketing Director

I think I jinxed myself in my newsletter when I said that I hope your kid’s don’t get everything they want for Christmas. 

 Because I didn’t get what I wanted either!  I was looking forward to a family vacation and spending time relaxing and catching up on needed sleep and relationship building.  But pick axing the ice out of my driveway aggravated a bulging disk in my neck and I ended up going on vacation with ice packs and pain killers, only to leave 5 days early to get home to my own bed and doctors to look for relief from the incessant nerve pain.

I have had a lot of time to think about disappointment and pain these past two weeks.  And I’ve decided I do not like it one bit.  Then I identified the things that are helping me get through it, and how I have seen hundreds of others use these same techniques in handling their own struggles.

#1  Mental Toughness – they have found that letting your mind dissolve into mulling over the disappointment, the injustice, the fear of the situation only paralyzes a person, where deciding to stay creative, hopeful, and proactive actually moves you through the struggle light years faster.

#2  Getting Proactive -  laying around feeling frustrated and in turmoil can be alleviated in great part by picking up a phone, doing a little research on-line, asking a trusted friend, etc.  Just knowing you are moving towards freedom from this situation can be a great pain killer.

#3  Finding Support -  I was so relieved when my family came home to take care of me, and just having my wife make some calls on my behalf was healing to my mental state.  Find someone who can be an experienced support and guide to you, and this is not just someone to validate that you are suffering.  They need to be in a better place than you are to be of any real value in your crisis.

#4  Time Heals – learn to project yourself into the future, understanding that it will not always be this way.  “Change is constant”, and that can most definitely be a positive when you are in pain.

#5  Have Faith – tap into your spiritual sources for strength.  Studies have repeatedly shown the undeniable power that prayer has in healing after surgery, or during an extended illnesses in fighting depression.  Use your own beliefs and trust in a greater power to help you in the inevitable dark times.

So I take it back…I DO hope you get what you want…especially if it takes you out of pain and suffering!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  Bringing teens home is a great time of anxiety and pain for most parents, and having a transition plan goes a long way in alleviating that.  If you have a family that could benefit from expert guidance and experience, please give us a call.  We only have a few days left on our Holiday Scholarship in your Program/Practice name…give that discount to one of your great families.

A few weeks ago I witnessed something that made me smile and also verified that at least one of our children feels lucky to be in our home.  Whether our children are really lucky or not… perception is reality, right?

Our youngest son was under the porch chair playing with the cats (yes the infamous wild cats tamed with love that I wrote about a few months ago).  Roxanne and I were sitting there reading and we heard him singing a little song.  Looking under the couch to see what was going on we saw him holding the cats singing “We have a good home, we have a good home”.  It seems that he has bought into the idea that’s it’s nice to be part of the Thayne clan, in spite of our weaknesses.

In a country where so many youth grow up feeling picked on if their parents require much of them, I suggest that you teach your children as youngsters how blessed they are to grow up a home where they are loved, taken care of, AND taught responsibility.  Kids with parents who love them and expect things from them need to know how lucky they really are because they have adults who actually care enough to teach them what kinds of skills it will take to succeed in the real world and in adult life.  There are too many examples of parents who didn’t require much of their kids, and they continually struggle on things that could have been corrected at a very young age.

While your children are home, unless they’ve been taught otherwise, they will think that the cool parents are those that give their kids more freedom and less responsibility that you do.  Or they will think that someone else has it better because of X,Y, & Z.  It’s just another way you can educate yourself and them so you wont feel insecure with the inevitable “So and so doesn’t have to…” that teens will throw at you when you pull them out of bed in the morning.

Every home has its problems and you should acknowledge that yours isn’t perfect, but if you have a good home, let them know it!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S. How do you help your children realize they have a good life?  I encourage you to post your comments here!

“I counted to 304 last night.” my 8 year old daughter said.

“Why did you do that?”  I asked.

“I was waiting for Mom to come scratch my back”.

As she often does, Roxanne announced after family prayer that she would be up to their bed rooms in 5 minutes to give everyone who had brushed their teeth and were in bed a back scratch.  This routine is a regular family ritual at the end of the day.  She likes to take some time with each child at bed time to talk to them and give each her undivided attention while giving them back scratches.  I’ve tried to assist at times with this important ritual, but for some reason my short nails just don’t do as well!

I asked Afton how far she could have counted before she fell asleep.  About 400 she thought.  So here’s evidence that this small act of service by my wife is looked forward to enough that a sleepy little girl could count to 400 waiting for that time together.  Our teenagers take flying leaps into the beds when they hear Mom coming too, not wanting to miss their time with her.

My thought is this; if we adults like feeling close and connected, even our prickly teenagers need that too.  Find a way to show affection very, very often.  A one armed squeeze around their shoulders, a back scratch while watching a show together, a hand laid on a shoulder while giving praise, a hip bump while teasing them, being playful in a good natured way, a wrestling match.  Think of what you used to do when your children were smaller, then find a way to reach out and connect today.

Stay tuned for our e-zine coming out next week where Roxanne will review a long loved book on little family traditions that build unity and a feeling of love and belonging.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  If you haven’t signed up for our monthly e-zine yet, or know someone who could use uplifting stories, tips from family life experts, and short, powerful, doable ideas, send this on.  Don’t miss even one issue!  It’s FREE and easy to sign up.  Click here to sign up!

When asked what he was most grateful for, my five year old son responded, “I’m grateful for my goggles, but I’m not grateful for my lost skeleton costume!”

As funny as this was, there is an important lesson embedded within.  When asked to focus on what was good in his life, my son gave a positive response at first but his mind immediately then fell into the rut of remembering what was most sad in his life…his lost Halloween costume!

Parents are anxiously and excitedly anticipating the return of their teen from treatment .  They have hopes and dreams for how their child’s life will unfold afterwards.  Anxiety, yes.  But hope too.

Fulfillment of the hopes of families is what our work is all about.  Helping the gains made in treatment not become “lost” in the transition to the real world is not only the difference between success and failure, but also the difference between gratitude and regret.  Parents and teens are thankful for the good things they learn from programs, but if they loose those gains, their gratitude for the program is diminished if not lost altogether.

Call my assistant Dawnie, If you have teens leaving treatment and you want to help them maintain their gains and their gratitude for all that they have accomplished while in your care.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
801-768-1441

P.S.  For a Christmas gift this year we are giving away thousands of dollars worth scholarships to families we serve in the months of December and January.  Just mention that you saw this post and would like your client to receive a scholarship for aftercare services and we’ll award them a scholarship in your name.

Hi there,

Two nights ago I was visiting with a 72 year old neighbor of mine named Gary.  I asked him what his greatest blessing was.  His answer was unexpected, yet profound.  “My greatest blessing is that I have always felt I had enough” he replied.  “Even when we had very little, I’ve never felt we were lacking”.  Wonderful!  At the core of Gary’s “greatest blessing” is his tendency toward gratitude and thankfulness.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. -Cicero

This Thanksgiving I challenge you and myself to experience the transformational effects of gratitude.  Let us count our blessings, appreciate what others have done for us, and see how we are changed by them.  Seeing blessings where we have overlooked them before will re-write the story of our lives without one other thing needing to improve.  Then, pass it on through kind acts for others.

Have a grateful Thanksgiving week!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
CEO/Founder
Homeward Bound/Family Front
www.homewardbound.com
www.familyfront.com

A few months ago I woke up one morning with an injured shoulder.  I couldn’t lift my hand above eye level!  What had happened to get me into such pain?

Needing a physical so I could go to scout camp with my son, I asked the doctor to help me.  He asked how it happened and I couldn’t tell him…but I did share two important pieces of information that led him to a very reasonable hypothesis.

#1  I acknowledged that I am not very tuned into my body.  I don’t know what’s happening, and I certainly don’t listen to it’s cries for help very well (like not drinking water all day until I have a headache and feel parched).

#2  I shared that I had been quite sedentary for the last couple of years, exercising in well-intentioned spurts.

This doctor is a neighbor and knows I have animals and lots of outdoor physical chores and that by coming from a rural background I feel I can muscle things into working right.

Here’s his theory:

Over time I have weakened my muscles and tendons imperceptibly, little by little.  I continued to do activities, and physical work that I normally do.  I was unconscious of my weakened state and continued to put strain on my joints until…WHAM I lifted the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Here’s my theory:

The weight of parenting can lead to the same experience.  You are a little more sedentary in your involvement with your teen, and let some things slide because you don’t want the sparks to fly.  Then earlier than normal one morning, you wake up to find your teen not in their room.  They snuck out during the night and haven’t returned yet.  You are instantly in pain!

But what you didn’t perceive was the slow progression towards this kind of thing.  You saw some defiance and some dishonesty, but chalked it up to normal teenager behavior and therefore didn’t strengthen your relationship OR your parenting skills.  Now that she’s 15, your skills with toddlers are outdated, and your strength as a parent hasn’t

been exercised or fine-tuned at the rate of your child’s growth.

Prescription:

#1 – Strengthen the relationship through communicating about the issues

in a better way than you have before and in having fun again…if you need

coaching to do this…GET IT!

#2 – Re-establish expectations and accountability…read and look around

to see what others are doing, but don’t let society at large dictate what you

think needs to happen in your family.

#3 – Get engaged as a parent…it’ll take work, vigilance, and unity from both

parents to turn things around now that there is pain, but you can do it!

#4 – Get help if you need it and don’t wait too long.  Most all cases like this do not fix themselves but only get worse.

To Your Family’s Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.

CEO/Founder

Homeward Bound/Family Front

www.homewardbound.com

www.familyfront.com

Two weeks ago I found out a good friend of mine has pancreatic cancer is only expected to live another month at most (he’s only 42). My wife found out today that one of her childhood friends drowned Sunday while river rafting. Both of these situations are tragic. There are young children in both families. One person’s life is over. Nothing else can be done. One person has a few precious weeks to “finish” his life story.

One of my favorite songs for the past couple years has been a country song titled “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. Iove that idea because in reality, we are all dying, or at least move closer to it each second.

My friend is fortunate in one way, he has some time and can say good bye and try to accomplish some things he wants

    to before he goes.

    When I heard the news, I wanted to visit him, but I struggled with whether I should call on him. On one hand I really wanted  him to know that I cared about him and his family, and to thank him for the positive influence he has been on my life. On the other, I felt guilty taking some of the precious time he has left. In the end it was a potential life changing  experience for me, and for him…he said this was exactly how he wanted to spent his final days…in the company of those he loves, his friends and family.

Here’s what I learned from him.

Handle death with grace and optimism, through the faith that there is more to come after this life…there is a plan. He is doing this amazingly well.

Work now to create a legacy that will last long after death. You never know when life will end and for those who know time is short, trying to make up for lost time or unfulfilled dreams can make the time left hectic.

Parent like you are dying (without the overindulgence that is likely to occur. This one goes along with the legacy building I mentioned above. In my opinion, there is no greater legacy than a strong second generation (and hopefully third and fourth) a good, honest, service oriented posterity.

Leave this existence with no enemies and lots of loved ones.

Leave with dreams fulfilled. And these dreams have nothing to do with money.

I appreciate the good his short visit has done for me and others. It has realigned my direction with my values. Hopefully his early passing might in some small way be a benefit to you too. He would want that.

Live Like You Were Dying!