Dr. Tim Thayne

It’s Valentine’s Day, and we are being pounded with cards, chocolate, romantic music and dinners. Whether you buy into all of the hoopla, or choose to celebrate your love in quieter and daily ways, you do have to agree that it’s a good thing to celebrate.

Last spring, Roxanne and I went to England and Scotland for our 20th anniversary. We arrived just days after the royal wedding. Estimates say that something like 2 billion people watched as Prince William and his long-time girl friend Catherine Middleton were married in the 1000 year old Westminster Abbey. The truth is, I never thought I would be among their numbers. Roxanne would tell you that I pride myself on staying apathetic towards the lives of the rich and famous. I’m more moved by the less assuming lives of the commoners around me who will never grace the pages of People Magazine.

But there I was, 4am Mountain Standard Time sitting in front of our HD television viewing the royal wedding. How did I get there at that crazy hour watching something I never planned to? Well…it probably has something to do with the fact that my wife has been a Princess Diana fan since her father, a professor of British history, went through the trouble 30 years ago of waking his young family to watch as Prince Charles wed Lady Diana. The memory of that unique family event is still vivid in her mind as something special.

When the alarm rang at 3:30 a.m. Roxanne woke our daughter, her sister and her two daughters, and her mother for the event. Bundled in blankets with tea and biscuits on china plates, they watched. I lay there wanting to fall back to sleep. Instead of sleep, a sense that I wanted to share in whatever was causing my wife and daughter so much excitement prevailed and I stumbled out of bed. I didn’t want to hear about this wedding for years to come without being able to picture what they were talking about.

Humbly I confess, my time was well spent. Let me share some of the things that impressed me.

First, this story is one of hope, happiness and commitment between two people to love, serve, and be faithful to each other…and there were 2 BILLION people witnessing it. Positive stories don’t attract that kind of attention normally and when commoners like me marry, as beautiful and inspiring as it is, only close family and friends witness it. For a day, all of Great Britain, and millions on every continent celebrated marriage.

In the witnessing, here’s what impressed me in order of importance. The Dress! (I’m kidding.) I was intrigued by William’s spurs. Did you see the spurs? My guess is about 1 in every 10 million viewers saw them.

No, for me it was the words spoken by the head of the Church of England. They were beautiful, lofty and inspiring and should be written down for the couple to reference throughout their lives together. It was a time of vows and sacred promises publicly made, (no other marriage ceremony has been so public!)

I loved the tradition that came with it. It was not casual, at least not American casual. It was formal, reverenced, and filled with tradition. The fly by of the World War II fighter planes represented to me victory, freedom, and sacrifice. I admit that I teared up. It was much more powerful than the more modern jets that also flew over because the older planes linked me back to the stories of World War II and what those people endured.

“The Kiss” on the balcony at Buckingham Palace was one of the most anticipated events of the day. Why? My guess is that this public display of affection connects people to all the prince and princess stories of our childhood with weddings, horse drawn carriages, and the symbolic kiss that represents commitment, love, affection and happily-ever-after.

While I know that this is no fairy tale story with a ride-off-into-the-sunset ending, there were so many great take-aways. The biggest for me is that there are moments in our lives when an experience shines. These are moments when our lives are right where they should be and everything works out just like we hoped, or even better. Those highlights are just as real as are the grinding times. Stories like this inspire me to live my life so that my trend is ever upward, closing the gap between the holiday’s assigned for us to show love, and my every day loving rituals. Let’s be there for our loved ones in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.

Here’s to your Happily-Ever-After!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder, Homeward Bound

Why, when you are making positive changes in your life, do things seem to always get harder before they get easier?

I’m sitting here at my desk, 10 days into the New Year, with a headache, foggy brain, and a growling stomach.  I catch myself drooling over the jar of gumballs sitting on my desk.  Yes.  You guessed it.  I’m just one of millions of people in the US who have a new year’s resolution to do something about my health in 2012.   My plan starts with detoxifying my body with a juice fast for 7 days (I’m on day 4), restart a regular exercise routine, and then eat mostly raw whole foods for the next two months.  Sound extreme?

I could get down on myself for not already having mastered this once and for all, but the fact is that change is hard to initiate and then to maintain.  We often need several tries at it. Would you agree that change is tough?  Here’s why it’s so:

• Stopping Something.  Change almost always involves stopping something we are currently doing, or changing a pattern that is well established, while at the same time starting something new that is in direct opposition to the pattern.   It’s like stopping a battle ship and turning it in a new direction and it always requires a ton of energy and commitment!

• Higher Level. The new thing we want to do, be, or accomplish is always on a higher plane. With the turning of a new year most of us evaluate ourselves and see that we have sunk, slacked, or been asleep in areas that need our attention and it’s time to elevate.

• Entropy.  Defined as “the tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.”  What that means is that every system, especially living systems like we humans and relationships, evolves to a state of chaos and disorder.  It’s a universal law.  Look at the pyramids of Egypt.  Did you know that there was a thick slab of granite rock that once covered their facades?  Entropy is at work in the wind, rain, gravity and other elements and the granite is now gone.

Because my team of coaches and I work with families, we see them working on their own masterpieces within the walls of their own homes.  They are striving and succeeding at turning conflict into peace, relationship break downs into healing, and the turbulence of adolescence into mutual love and respect in adulthood.  The interesting thing is that the same principles that work to overcome decay in physical work and achievement, applies equally well to family relationships.  We need to support families as they work out their success with these three true principles:

• Dreams.  Last night I watched a documentary titled “Man on Wire”.  A Frenchman who walked a tight rope between the Twin Towers in the 70’s.  While his dream would certainly not be mine, this documentary illustrates what can happen when someone is compelled by a dream.  Dreams, when compelling enough, put in motion planning, preparation, and allocation of personal resources to make them come true.

• Commitment.  Some people say that goals are not really goals until they are written down.  I would add that commitment really isn’t a commitment until something inside us changes from “I’ll try” to “I will”.  The moment this happens it shakes us to the core.  It’s big.
• Persistence.  As with my health, when we try to develop a new habit things get harder before they get easier.  My advice is to acknowledge this fact up front at the time you make the commitment.  Expect tough going and then welcome the bumps when they come.  It means you are still moving forward AND you are close to the point where the going get’s easier!

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased”—Ralph  Waldo Emerson

Print this quote out and paste it on your mirror, fridge, or teen’s forehead.   Remind yourself that it will get harder before it gets easier.  But the key to this is that it DOES get easier.  The intense junk food cravings I have today for example, will not be nearly so intense a couple days from now.

Dream, commit, persist.  I wish you steady success in your New Year’s resolutions.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

Out of all the blogs I’ve posted, the one that seems to have inspired readers the most has to be the story of my Grandpa and his pick ax http://drtimthayne.com/2010/06/grandpas-pick-ax/.  The old pick ax was on display this past week as we honored Grandpa at his funeral.

The night we heard he had moved on, Roxanne and I were driving south to Arizona for my sister Callie’s wedding.  We were on our way to celebrate a new union and the beginning of a new family, when the patriarch of the Thayne family passed.  He was 92.

The next few hours were spent reminiscing with each other and with family members by phone. Tears were shed and hearts were lifted as we mourned his death and celebrated an extraordinary and inspiring life.

His life was one remarkable story after another.  Surviving being kicked in the head by a horse at age 8, having two cars fall on him, having three daughters die, raising 4 of his granddaughters, scraping out a living, surviving cancer 22 years past his prescribed death date by eating only nutritious and life sustaining foods, etc.  As my grandmother said in her written history “We had four bare hands and two hearts full of love. Others may have had more that we did, but no one had more love.”  This was illustrated best for us as he used his 8th grade education, and unlimited mechanical ingenuity to create inventions to care for grandma when she was bedridden the last 6 years of her life.  One of those being the hoist system he created to lift her from her bed to the bathroom, made with wheels, a metal tripod frame, cables, and a soft sheep skin sling for her comfort.

On the day of his funeral the printed program listed his posterity.  There were well over 200 names.  Many of those listed; grandchildren, great grandchildren and a few great great grandchildren, sat in the church pews last Saturday, hearts open, inspired, and proud to be related to this 5’6” giant of a man “tough as they come.”

On the way home my niece, who’s other great grandfather was a very prominent individual in our religious community, commented that being there and hearing story after story about her great grandpa made her proud to be a Thayne.  She valued and identified with the stories of his simple, determined, and loyal life.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  My hope is that you and your family will be able to share stories around the dinner table that highlight the strengths of your heritage.  Children and teens need this.  Every one of them needs to see the connection of their own unfolding story with these people and the values and character represented by their stories.

One more piece of advice:  as you pick the stories, be selective.  Choose to retell stories that lift, that bring good humor, and that highlight strengths rather than weaknesses.  The stories we tell ourselves, and those we tell our children, have an impact and tend to manifest in our lives.

Wishing you all a joyful Thanksgiving, with a generous serving of the best stories your family has to offer.

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound

It started with a clip board circulating at one of our Sunday church meetings. At the top was a description of a service opportunity for families. A certain nursing home in our area was the focus of the service and those willing to visit an elderly resident of the nursing home for four consecutive weeks were asked to sign their name. We added our name to the list.

A week or so later Roxanne went to get the name of the resident we would be visiting. Rather than sort through index cards to find one that would be most “comfortable” to visit (probably something I would be tempted to do) Roxanne drew a name randomly. We had all become more accustomed to visiting the dementia patients from the time we spent visiting her father in a similar facility. Little did we know that when she pulled the name of Lucille, the Thayne family would be the greatest beneficiaries in the new relationship.

Our first visit was an impromptu drop in one early afternoon by just Roxanne and me. The nursing home was beautiful with a large gathering room where a dozen lazy boy recliners made a large circle. Some of the chairs were draped with afghan quilts. After locating a staff member, and asking if we could visit Lucille, she was ushered in to the room arm in arm with the staff.

It didn’t take long to find out that Lucille couldn’t remember much about her life, as well as the fact that she was one of the sweetest women we had ever met. As we were finishing up our visit that day she grabbed both of our hands, pulled us close and said, “I just love you two, do you get it? Do you get it?” We got it. After assuring her we would remind her of who we were at our next visit, we floated out the front door feeling the love that she had shared with us.

The next visit our two youngest children accompanied their friends to sing to the residents. They too came out beaming and anxious to share their stories about Lucille with their siblings. Finally, all of our children were able to visit. Not only did Lucille stroke their arms, pull them in close for hugs, laugh, tease, and play her harmonica, she also set some expectations for them.

She started out with saying “Well, aren’t you just good lookin’? And this one here is as well.” But then she went on to encourage and state her expectations. She said “You are a good boy, I can see that. You will do the right things, wont you? I know you will. You’re just a good boy, I can tell you that for sure.”

Embedded deep within her is the instinct to mother, to nurture, to encourage, and to state her expectations of us. She had done it for all of her adult life, and it’s what came naturally to her now.

I’ve witnessed it over and over again, that people will rise to the level of their belief of your belief in them. If we are going to set expectations with our children, it must be done in a positive way. It shouldn’t always be done in a formal sit-down situation where you are addressing problem areas at the same time. It is most effectively done when there is a feeling of love present, when their hearts and ears are open wide. “You’re a great kid and you’re going to be a great husband and father someday. You are someone I know I can trust to handle such and such.”

What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t have genuine beliefs and expectations of our children? It would be chaos. Very few of us would have become who we are today without people in our lives having great expectations for us.

As you read this issue of Notes From Home, I believe you will find some great insight and challenges to your ideas around expectations. As always, we’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to write us back with your comments or personal experiences.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

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How important is sleep?  Should we be monitoring the quality and quantity of our sleep like we do the food we consume or how we exercise?  In my experience, and consistent with the health and wellness research, sleep is just as vital to our wellbeing as diet and exercise and may in fact be the lynch pin to good health.  Insomnia or poor sleep habits are associated with all kinds of troubles, such as depression, anxiety, memory loss, heart issues, behavioral issues, etc.

About 4 years ago my sleep problems had grown to a point that my sleep, or the lack thereof, became an obsession.  In social settings the topic of sleep deprivation would invariably come up and I found that many of my friends had similar problems.  That became our number one topic of conversation.  “How did you sleep last night?  Are you doing better yet?  Have you found anything that’s helping?”  We were all searching for a magic bullet, and we were desperate.

The obsession with sleep of course peaks at bed time as you prepare for–what will undoubtedly be–another frustrating night without much sleep.  I could feel the anxiety build as I would walk into our bedroom.

One night I was going through my nightly ritual preparing for bed.  I had gone through and locked all of the doors to keep out bad guys, shut every shutter to keep out light, made sure that all the kids were down so they wouldn’t wander in and wake me up, and made my way to the bathroom mirror.  My eyes were blood shot and I had a vacant depressed look on my face.  I had become accustomed to this look, but now I was watching myself do something I had never done before.  I was standing there in a new pair of silky pajamas I had acquired with the hope that being able to slide more easily when I turned over between the sheets would be the thing that would help me sleep.  As I watched myself button up the top button I thought to myself “Wow, I look like an old man who is beginning to lose touch with reality!”  It scared me. I didn’t recognize myself and it was time to change.

Roxanne has always been a “gifted” sleeper.  At one time I teased her because I thought the mid day naps were excessive.  Now I’m a believer and envy her ability to drift off quickly on her way to a 20 minute power nap.  I’m working on being a better sleeper and have made a lot of progress with more still to come.

Some of the things that have helped me improve my sleeping are:

• Getting off sleep medication (I had nearly three days without sleep when I quit)

• Finding ways to lower the stress in my life (Exercise can help)

• Turning off work related thoughts by 6pm (embracing the fact that my sleep and health are so much more important than anything work related)

• Not watching TV or reading on the computer, late into the evening

• Taking Melatonin supplements (a natural hormone secreted by the pineal gland)

• Not obsessing about getting my mind to shut off like I want it to (the obsession about my thinking was worse than the thinking itself)

With age comes wisdom and self awareness.  I saw how my sleep deprivation was affecting me and those around me.  Our teens may not be so perceptive.  Maybe you’ll find some answers for helping them in this month’s Notes From Home.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

You may know that we at Homeward Bound promote and believe in tapping into the power of a teen’s natural support network of family, neighbors, coaches, and others.  We refer to this group as the teen’s “Home Team.”  This isn’t revolutionary.  All we have done is acknowledge and value something that is as old as mankind.  It’s our basic humanity.  It’s the instinct most people have to take action in behalf others when we find them in crisis.

 Last week I heard the story of a heroic act where a random group of bystanders, construction workers and college students near Utah State University, joined together to lift a burning car off of a motorcyclist who was trapped underneath.  The inspiring event was captured on a moving 60 second video (see the link below):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAtXDlttNxg

When I did the Google search to find the story to share with you, I typed in “channel 2 news burning car.”  Low and behold, another story popped up of a man in Georgia who, a week earlier than the USU incident, risked his life to save another stranger in a burning car.  The intriguing story shares that this man had tried to save his own sister in a fire many years earlier, but was unsuccessful.  You could feel the pain behind his words when he said, “I tried, but today, I feel good because I did what I didn’t get to fulfill in 1956.”  What a long time to have to wait. In both events the people were called “heroes” and “angels.”  They were in the right place, at the right time and they possessed the right instincts.

(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/28762610/detail.html)

The media can inundate us with stories of violence and crime, where the people involved seem to be missing the instinct to do good.  But in reality most people are good.  Most of us would respond to help someone in a crisis, especially when someone takes the lead and shows us how.

We are privileged to tap into the hero network every day at Homeward Bound.  Our families are the beneficiaries of people simply doing what comes natural, stepping in where help is needed, offering whatever they have available to offer.  I believe in heroes, and in my book they don’t have to charge through flames to be given that title.  Most heroes quietly go about their days when, in a moment, they are given the opportunity to step up and save someone literally or figuratively.

Sometimes, in our over-emphasized protection of privacy, we find it easier to aid a stranger than our own neighbor, co-worker, or niece.  We may be waiting for a signed waiver as the green light to go ahead and act.  These heroes and angels were a random sample of people in an intersection.  The good inside them pushed them into action and they saved lives.  Consider this email your green light to act.

To Family Happiness,

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

P.S.  Do you have a story of your own of a hero who reached out to help? I’d love for you to share it on my blog www.drtimthayne.com for other’s to enjoy.

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Bill Walton, a heralded basketball commentator that played at a high level in the NBA for 13 years, was asked for his take on a recent basketball game where the highly favored San Diego State Aztecs team was beaten for the second time by the less athletic Brigham Young University team.  While you may not play basketball or be a BYU fan, I think you will find his words inspiring and true about any real achievement in life.  Let me share.

“The great thing about what BYU did, is that they represented all of the things that make life so special.  They won the battle…of substance over hype, [we saw] the triumph of achievement over erratic flailing, the conquest of discipline over gambling, the triumph of executing an organized game plan over just hoping that you’re going to be just lucky, hot, or in the zone.  They also represented the conquest of sacrifice, and commitment to achievement over the pipe dream that someone is going to give you something, or that you can take a pill, or turn a key to get what you want.” Read the rest of this entry »

My youngest son’s report card came back and everything looked good except one understated piece of feedback from his first grade teacher.  In the column “Areas to Improve” it said, “Halsten needs to work on his anger.”

In spite of the fact that at six years old he still has the cutest “mean eyes,” and severely down turned mouth you’ve ever seen, if he doesn’t learn to manage his anger it could have far more harsh outcomes in his life than a little feedback from his teacher.  The reality is that we all might do well to take Mrs. Drake’s feedback personally. Read the rest of this entry »

As the white Dodge truck pulling a red horse trailer drove away from our home, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Inside the trailer was a spirited paint gelding who had taught my son Talmage more about leadership, assertiveness, and the kind of girl you don’t want to marry, than any other person (or animal) could have.

The story began over 2 years earlier when I flew to Billings, Montana with my good friend, Lee Caldwell. We were going to one of the largest horse auctions in the country and I was on a mission to bring home a couple “kid” horses for my two sons. While on the plane Lee gave me some expert advice that I would later regret not listening to. “Be careful not to get caught up in the moment and start bidding when a great looking horse comes into the ring, if you haven’t seen it out back in the corrals first” he said. He explained how dishonest people will sometimes drug the horse before it comes into the sales barn to make it seem calm and docile. Read the rest of this entry »

You never know how something will turn out so withhold judgment until the end.

A couple weeks ago I traveled to Oklahoma City to work with a family who’s teen had just come home from a treatment program.  The final day went by too quickly and I ended up staying longer than I had planned at the family’s home.  Because I was in a hurry, Murphy’s law kicked in and I ended up missing an exit then needed to get directions to find the road back to the airport. The end result was that I was too late for my bags to be checked.  Tired and ready to be home, I imagined myself having to find a hotel and spend the night and catch a plane in the morning.

Before giving up I got in line to speak to a ticket agent and check to see if there were other flights leaving that would get me home, no matter how late.  I would be helped by one of two people.  One looked professional and friendly, the other, well let’s just say that I’ve seen government employees with more enthusiasm for their work.  Undoubtedly she had been on the job all day dealing with people like me who, because of poor planning on their part had missed their plane and wanted her to magically make everything all better.  Murphy’s law…I got her.

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