Dr. Tim Thayne

My youngest son’s report card came back and everything looked good except one understated piece of feedback from his first grade teacher.  In the column “Areas to Improve” it said, “Halsten needs to work on his anger.”

In spite of the fact that at six years old he still has the cutest “mean eyes,” and severely down turned mouth you’ve ever seen, if he doesn’t learn to manage his anger it could have far more harsh outcomes in his life than a little feedback from his teacher.  The reality is that we all might do well to take Mrs. Drake’s feedback personally. Read the rest of this entry »

As the white Dodge truck pulling a red horse trailer drove away from our home, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Inside the trailer was a spirited paint gelding who had taught my son Talmage more about leadership, assertiveness, and the kind of girl you don’t want to marry, than any other person (or animal) could have.

The story began over 2 years earlier when I flew to Billings, Montana with my good friend, Lee Caldwell. We were going to one of the largest horse auctions in the country and I was on a mission to bring home a couple “kid” horses for my two sons. While on the plane Lee gave me some expert advice that I would later regret not listening to. “Be careful not to get caught up in the moment and start bidding when a great looking horse comes into the ring, if you haven’t seen it out back in the corrals first” he said. He explained how dishonest people will sometimes drug the horse before it comes into the sales barn to make it seem calm and docile. Read the rest of this entry »

Hello Friends,

I just finished a coaching call with two parents in Atlanta, GA and I’m highly optimistic about their chances of success in turning their family (and their teen) around.  Unfortunately, I’m not always so pumped after a coaching session.  So what’s different here?

First, the combination of what I’m bringing to their family and what they already have as resources is becoming synergistic.  Together we can succeed.  It’s much more difficult to do this alone.  These parents are very caring parents and they’ve been deliberate in their parenting.  Truth is, most of our parents fall into this category. But caring is not enough.  They have cared deeply all along and still had some big struggles with their son. Read the rest of this entry »

I think I jinxed myself in my newsletter when I said that I hope your kid’s don’t get everything they want for Christmas. 

 Because I didn’t get what I wanted either!  I was looking forward to a family vacation and spending time relaxing and catching up on needed sleep and relationship building.  But pick axing the ice out of my driveway aggravated a bulging disk in my neck and I ended up going on vacation with ice packs and pain killers, only to leave 5 days early to get home to my own bed and doctors to look for relief from the incessant nerve pain.

I have had a lot of time to think about disappointment and pain these past two weeks.  And I’ve decided I do not like it one bit.  Then I identified the things that are helping me get through it, and how I have seen hundreds of others use these same techniques in handling their own struggles.

#1  Mental Toughness – they have found that letting your mind dissolve into mulling over the disappointment, the injustice, the fear of the situation only paralyzes a person, where deciding to stay creative, hopeful, and proactive actually moves you through the struggle light years faster.

#2  Getting Proactive -  laying around feeling frustrated and in turmoil can be alleviated in great part by picking up a phone, doing a little research on-line, asking a trusted friend, etc.  Just knowing you are moving towards freedom from this situation can be a great pain killer.

#3  Finding Support -  I was so relieved when my family came home to take care of me, and just having my wife make some calls on my behalf was healing to my mental state.  Find someone who can be an experienced support and guide to you, and this is not just someone to validate that you are suffering.  They need to be in a better place than you are to be of any real value in your crisis.

#4  Time Heals – learn to project yourself into the future, understanding that it will not always be this way.  “Change is constant”, and that can most definitely be a positive when you are in pain.

#5  Have Faith – tap into your spiritual sources for strength.  Studies have repeatedly shown the undeniable power that prayer has in healing after surgery, or during an extended illnesses in fighting depression.  Use your own beliefs and trust in a greater power to help you in the inevitable dark times.

So I take it back…I DO hope you get what you want…especially if it takes you out of pain and suffering!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  Bringing teens home is a great time of anxiety and pain for most parents, and having a transition plan goes a long way in alleviating that.  If you have a family that could benefit from expert guidance and experience, please give us a call.  We only have a few days left on our Holiday Scholarship in your Program/Practice name…give that discount to one of your great families.

A few weeks ago I witnessed something that made me smile and also verified that at least one of our children feels lucky to be in our home.  Whether our children are really lucky or not… perception is reality, right?

Our youngest son was under the porch chair playing with the cats (yes the infamous wild cats tamed with love that I wrote about a few months ago).  Roxanne and I were sitting there reading and we heard him singing a little song.  Looking under the couch to see what was going on we saw him holding the cats singing “We have a good home, we have a good home”.  It seems that he has bought into the idea that’s it’s nice to be part of the Thayne clan, in spite of our weaknesses.

In a country where so many youth grow up feeling picked on if their parents require much of them, I suggest that you teach your children as youngsters how blessed they are to grow up a home where they are loved, taken care of, AND taught responsibility.  Kids with parents who love them and expect things from them need to know how lucky they really are because they have adults who actually care enough to teach them what kinds of skills it will take to succeed in the real world and in adult life.  There are too many examples of parents who didn’t require much of their kids, and they continually struggle on things that could have been corrected at a very young age.

While your children are home, unless they’ve been taught otherwise, they will think that the cool parents are those that give their kids more freedom and less responsibility that you do.  Or they will think that someone else has it better because of X,Y, & Z.  It’s just another way you can educate yourself and them so you wont feel insecure with the inevitable “So and so doesn’t have to…” that teens will throw at you when you pull them out of bed in the morning.

Every home has its problems and you should acknowledge that yours isn’t perfect, but if you have a good home, let them know it!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S. How do you help your children realize they have a good life?  I encourage you to post your comments here!

“I counted to 304 last night.” my 8 year old daughter said.

“Why did you do that?”  I asked.

“I was waiting for Mom to come scratch my back”.

As she often does, Roxanne announced after family prayer that she would be up to their bed rooms in 5 minutes to give everyone who had brushed their teeth and were in bed a back scratch.  This routine is a regular family ritual at the end of the day.  She likes to take some time with each child at bed time to talk to them and give each her undivided attention while giving them back scratches.  I’ve tried to assist at times with this important ritual, but for some reason my short nails just don’t do as well!

I asked Afton how far she could have counted before she fell asleep.  About 400 she thought.  So here’s evidence that this small act of service by my wife is looked forward to enough that a sleepy little girl could count to 400 waiting for that time together.  Our teenagers take flying leaps into the beds when they hear Mom coming too, not wanting to miss their time with her.

My thought is this; if we adults like feeling close and connected, even our prickly teenagers need that too.  Find a way to show affection very, very often.  A one armed squeeze around their shoulders, a back scratch while watching a show together, a hand laid on a shoulder while giving praise, a hip bump while teasing them, being playful in a good natured way, a wrestling match.  Think of what you used to do when your children were smaller, then find a way to reach out and connect today.

Stay tuned for our e-zine coming out next week where Roxanne will review a long loved book on little family traditions that build unity and a feeling of love and belonging.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne
Founder
Homeward Bound
www.homewardbound.net

P.S.  If you haven’t signed up for our monthly e-zine yet, or know someone who could use uplifting stories, tips from family life experts, and short, powerful, doable ideas, send this on.  Don’t miss even one issue!  It’s FREE and easy to sign up.  Click here to sign up!

When asked what he was most grateful for, my five year old son responded, “I’m grateful for my goggles, but I’m not grateful for my lost skeleton costume!”

As funny as this was, there is an important lesson embedded within.  When asked to focus on what was good in his life, my son gave a positive response at first but his mind immediately then fell into the rut of remembering what was most sad in his life…his lost Halloween costume!

Parents are anxiously and excitedly anticipating the return of their teen from treatment .  They have hopes and dreams for how their child’s life will unfold afterwards.  Anxiety, yes.  But hope too.

Fulfillment of the hopes of families is what our work is all about.  Helping the gains made in treatment not become “lost” in the transition to the real world is not only the difference between success and failure, but also the difference between gratitude and regret.  Parents and teens are thankful for the good things they learn from programs, but if they loose those gains, their gratitude for the program is diminished if not lost altogether.

Call my assistant Dawnie, If you have teens leaving treatment and you want to help them maintain their gains and their gratitude for all that they have accomplished while in your care.

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder/CEO
Homeward Bound
801-768-1441

P.S.  For a Christmas gift this year we are giving away thousands of dollars worth scholarships to families we serve in the months of December and January.  Just mention that you saw this post and would like your client to receive a scholarship for aftercare services and we’ll award them a scholarship in your name.

About a month ago I took my three oldest sons and my dad hunting mule deer in the high Uintah Mountains of Northeastern Utah.  On opening morning of the hunt we loaded our horses in the trailer and made our way to a place called Pigeon Water, about a 30 minute drive from my boy hood home of Talmage, Utah.

After unloading and saddling the horses, I did a last minute check to make sure the saddles were on securely and that that we had all of our gear.  Just before heading up the mountain I asked my son Mitchell (16) to tighten his cinch (the strap that wraps around the horse’s chest and holds the saddle on) to be sure his saddle wouldn’t slip…then we were off!

Mitch was riding a four year old named Joe.  Despite his young age, Joe is an exceptionally well behaved and trustworthy horse and all “seemed” to be going well…at least for a while.

We traversed some difficult terrain, with some steep climbs and lots of rock, when Joe started acting out, doing things that were out of character for him.  He pawed the ground violently, and then, without warning, he laid down on the ground while Mitch was astride his back!  Stunned at his belligerence, we tried pulling Joe to his feet!

After a few seconds struggling with him we could see that Joe’s problem was not laziness or a bad attitude.  He was laboring to breath!  We had tightened the cinch too tight and unfortunately we now couldn’t loosen it with Joe laying on his side.   My Dad, seeing what was happening and knowing that it required a firm hand, or Joe might have a heart attack, kicked him and forced him to his feet.  We were then able to quickly loosen the saddle and give Joe relief.  Within seconds, Joe began to calm down and breath easy again and we had no further problems from him the rest of the day!

So what does this story about Mitchell, Joe, and the saddle teach us about parenting?  Here are a few thoughts:

* My concern over slippage shows us that it’s natural to make rules overly restrictive when we think that if things slip a little, they will slip all the way.

* Instead of fearing slips, acknowledge that they will happen and just position yourself to quickly correct things.

* Seasoned cowboys know, it’s easier to straighten a saddle while riding when it’s snug, but not too tight.  You can put your weight in one stirrup and pull the saddle horn quickly to the side and easily straighten the saddle without ever stopping.

* If our saddle is so tight, or if we ride our horse (teen) so hard that we have a partnership break down, where he refuses to work for us (or listen to us), getting the relationship back on track and moving again requires much more time and emotional energy, than if we have the right balance between expectations and nurturance.

* Saddles, like rules are helpful, until they are cinched on our kids too tightly.  There is a happy medium where there is something to hang onto and horses become a willing partner, and when it’s so tight that the horse bucks or lays down.

* When our teens “act up”, consider that there might be other reasons besides the common negative and quick conclusions we may be in the habit of jumping to.

* Listen to our kids and make sure we’ve given them room to breathe.

Do you see other parallels from this story to parenting and family life?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Post your comments on my blog at www.drtimthayne.com because I read every post.  How does this apply to parenting?  Let’s count the ways!

To Family Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.

CEO/Founder

Homeward Bound/Family Front

www.homewardbound.com

www.familyfront.com

I have been inspired tonight by a single mother (let’s call her Jill) who has put her trust in me and in our processes in spite of her dis-comfort over what I asked her to do.

One of the things we have found to be helpful in maintaining change, is to involve the community (family, friends and others) in the transition process.  For some parents it’s a difficult thing to do. 

When I asked Jill to invite friends, family, and any influential others she could think of to her home to celebrate her son Matt’s graduation from a treatment program, she wallowed hard and hesitated before saying “Oooookaaay….”  She had sent him away for the summer to a wilderness program and had been sharing with others that her son was at “camp”, not unlike what she had done each year to give her kids growth experiences and fun.

As most teens will do coming home from treatment, he didn’t want to tell anyone where he had been and why he was there.   In fact, if he could have buried the whole experience somewhere deep in the back yard, he would have (as many others try to).   Matt certainly didn’t want to invite lots of people to his house to celebrate his return from somewhere he felt embarrassed for having been at all.  But like most of our teens, he went along with it.

At the appointed hour, guests started showing up to the home.   Neighbors, family friends, old friends Matt had before getting into trouble (and their mothers), his school principle, their pastor, a school counselor, his band director, a past nanny, family members, etc., etc.   Jill followed the program in faith, reached out, and was overwhelmed with the response.  In all there were nearly 40 people there!

Amazing things happened as people reached out to Matt in love and affirmation for the changes they could see in him.  He demonstrated confidence as he showed the group what he had made with his own hands while in a desert in Utah .  The Director of his private school asked some poignant questions and counseled him in wisdom.  His band director exuded warmth and a mentoring spirit, excitedly engaging Matt in plans for the upcoming year and ways he could develop his talents and passions.

 Two mothers of boys in his class asked me what their sons could do to help.  By the end of the night, the boy who swore he had “no friends” was swimming and laughing with five other boys from school.  The principal was pumping my hand and promising he’d do all he could to help this family.  Others were affirming Jill for the decisive and wise step to get her son help, and to honor them by asking for their support. 

While this is not a “and they lived happily ever after” ending, because the story will continue to unfold from here, the fact is Matt has started to re-write his story.  Not only in his mind, but in the minds of others who know him.  There will be tests ahead but they have successfully captured the momentum of treatment, through a planned ransition process and a powerful social support network.  His mentors are both numerous, passionate, and in position for months and years to come, to help him through the tough times.

Today I honor this mother, and the many others who are willing to put their trust in us and in our field in general, to do uncomfortable things.  They inspire me!

To Your Family’s Success and Happiness!

Tim R. Thayne, Ph.D.

CEO/Founder

Homeward Bound/Family Front

www.homewardbound.com

www.familyfront.com