Dr. Tim Thayne

This month’s Notes From Home is focused on teen substance abuse and how to prevent it. Unfortunately, a large percentage of the teens we work with are past the point of “prevention.”  However, the solid and true principles discussed here most assuredly have the power to reduce or stop substance abuse.

We could share the gloomy national statistics on teenage substance abuse and how those that abuse substances are far more likely to develop a full blown addition.  But those are just statistics.  They rarely speak to us and cause us to change.

To start out, you must be visionary as a parent and imagine the kind of family life and children you want to have long before you have teens.  What values do I want my children to have, etc.  Then set the example.  Nothing weakens parental authority like incongruence between our own standards and those we are trying to instill in our children.  I know that from personal experience around driving safely.

I always tend to buy cars that want to go fast.  These cars are just made up that way. (I blame it on my mom allowing my brother and I to buy an orange Trans Am as teenagers.)   One of my justifying thoughts for my “adult driving” habits is that I’m more mature and have had years of experience driving.  I’ve practiced going fast for 30 years now!

But it’s not a value of mine to go fast.  It’s a bad habit.  The value that I really want to instill in my children is to be law abiding citizens and to be cautious and careful in driving.  Well, I’m not always congruent with that. When my kids were young they didn’t know to check my speedometer against the speed limits posted along the high way.  They are now old enough to do so.

Every time I see my son backing out of our long driveway like a bat out of you-know-where, I have two emotions.  One is anger that he could be so careless and the other is guilt that I have done the same thing and he has watched me.

In prevention, my first piece of advice to parents is that if you want your children to never take a drink, take a hit, or pop a pill, and thus never fall into the grips of substance abuse and addiction, raise the bar on yourself and determine to live your own life in a way that eliminates any twinge of hypocrisy.  I know that’s asking a lot.  But prevention is where the greatest opportunity exists.

I hope you’ll be inspired to act, by what you read here.  As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences, so write us back if you’d like to share.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

Homeward Bound

It started with a clip board circulating at one of our Sunday church meetings. At the top was a description of a service opportunity for families. A certain nursing home in our area was the focus of the service and those willing to visit an elderly resident of the nursing home for four consecutive weeks were asked to sign their name. We added our name to the list.

A week or so later Roxanne went to get the name of the resident we would be visiting. Rather than sort through index cards to find one that would be most “comfortable” to visit (probably something I would be tempted to do) Roxanne drew a name randomly. We had all become more accustomed to visiting the dementia patients from the time we spent visiting her father in a similar facility. Little did we know that when she pulled the name of Lucille, the Thayne family would be the greatest beneficiaries in the new relationship.

Our first visit was an impromptu drop in one early afternoon by just Roxanne and me. The nursing home was beautiful with a large gathering room where a dozen lazy boy recliners made a large circle. Some of the chairs were draped with afghan quilts. After locating a staff member, and asking if we could visit Lucille, she was ushered in to the room arm in arm with the staff.

It didn’t take long to find out that Lucille couldn’t remember much about her life, as well as the fact that she was one of the sweetest women we had ever met. As we were finishing up our visit that day she grabbed both of our hands, pulled us close and said, “I just love you two, do you get it? Do you get it?” We got it. After assuring her we would remind her of who we were at our next visit, we floated out the front door feeling the love that she had shared with us.

The next visit our two youngest children accompanied their friends to sing to the residents. They too came out beaming and anxious to share their stories about Lucille with their siblings. Finally, all of our children were able to visit. Not only did Lucille stroke their arms, pull them in close for hugs, laugh, tease, and play her harmonica, she also set some expectations for them.

She started out with saying “Well, aren’t you just good lookin’? And this one here is as well.” But then she went on to encourage and state her expectations. She said “You are a good boy, I can see that. You will do the right things, wont you? I know you will. You’re just a good boy, I can tell you that for sure.”

Embedded deep within her is the instinct to mother, to nurture, to encourage, and to state her expectations of us. She had done it for all of her adult life, and it’s what came naturally to her now.

I’ve witnessed it over and over again, that people will rise to the level of their belief of your belief in them. If we are going to set expectations with our children, it must be done in a positive way. It shouldn’t always be done in a formal sit-down situation where you are addressing problem areas at the same time. It is most effectively done when there is a feeling of love present, when their hearts and ears are open wide. “You’re a great kid and you’re going to be a great husband and father someday. You are someone I know I can trust to handle such and such.”

What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t have genuine beliefs and expectations of our children? It would be chaos. Very few of us would have become who we are today without people in our lives having great expectations for us.

As you read this issue of Notes From Home, I believe you will find some great insight and challenges to your ideas around expectations. As always, we’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to write us back with your comments or personal experiences.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

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How important is sleep?  Should we be monitoring the quality and quantity of our sleep like we do the food we consume or how we exercise?  In my experience, and consistent with the health and wellness research, sleep is just as vital to our wellbeing as diet and exercise and may in fact be the lynch pin to good health.  Insomnia or poor sleep habits are associated with all kinds of troubles, such as depression, anxiety, memory loss, heart issues, behavioral issues, etc.

About 4 years ago my sleep problems had grown to a point that my sleep, or the lack thereof, became an obsession.  In social settings the topic of sleep deprivation would invariably come up and I found that many of my friends had similar problems.  That became our number one topic of conversation.  “How did you sleep last night?  Are you doing better yet?  Have you found anything that’s helping?”  We were all searching for a magic bullet, and we were desperate.

The obsession with sleep of course peaks at bed time as you prepare for–what will undoubtedly be–another frustrating night without much sleep.  I could feel the anxiety build as I would walk into our bedroom.

One night I was going through my nightly ritual preparing for bed.  I had gone through and locked all of the doors to keep out bad guys, shut every shutter to keep out light, made sure that all the kids were down so they wouldn’t wander in and wake me up, and made my way to the bathroom mirror.  My eyes were blood shot and I had a vacant depressed look on my face.  I had become accustomed to this look, but now I was watching myself do something I had never done before.  I was standing there in a new pair of silky pajamas I had acquired with the hope that being able to slide more easily when I turned over between the sheets would be the thing that would help me sleep.  As I watched myself button up the top button I thought to myself “Wow, I look like an old man who is beginning to lose touch with reality!”  It scared me. I didn’t recognize myself and it was time to change.

Roxanne has always been a “gifted” sleeper.  At one time I teased her because I thought the mid day naps were excessive.  Now I’m a believer and envy her ability to drift off quickly on her way to a 20 minute power nap.  I’m working on being a better sleeper and have made a lot of progress with more still to come.

Some of the things that have helped me improve my sleeping are:

• Getting off sleep medication (I had nearly three days without sleep when I quit)

• Finding ways to lower the stress in my life (Exercise can help)

• Turning off work related thoughts by 6pm (embracing the fact that my sleep and health are so much more important than anything work related)

• Not watching TV or reading on the computer, late into the evening

• Taking Melatonin supplements (a natural hormone secreted by the pineal gland)

• Not obsessing about getting my mind to shut off like I want it to (the obsession about my thinking was worse than the thinking itself)

With age comes wisdom and self awareness.  I saw how my sleep deprivation was affecting me and those around me.  Our teens may not be so perceptive.  Maybe you’ll find some answers for helping them in this month’s Notes From Home.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

You may know that we at Homeward Bound promote and believe in tapping into the power of a teen’s natural support network of family, neighbors, coaches, and others.  We refer to this group as the teen’s “Home Team.”  This isn’t revolutionary.  All we have done is acknowledge and value something that is as old as mankind.  It’s our basic humanity.  It’s the instinct most people have to take action in behalf others when we find them in crisis.

 Last week I heard the story of a heroic act where a random group of bystanders, construction workers and college students near Utah State University, joined together to lift a burning car off of a motorcyclist who was trapped underneath.  The inspiring event was captured on a moving 60 second video (see the link below):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAtXDlttNxg

When I did the Google search to find the story to share with you, I typed in “channel 2 news burning car.”  Low and behold, another story popped up of a man in Georgia who, a week earlier than the USU incident, risked his life to save another stranger in a burning car.  The intriguing story shares that this man had tried to save his own sister in a fire many years earlier, but was unsuccessful.  You could feel the pain behind his words when he said, “I tried, but today, I feel good because I did what I didn’t get to fulfill in 1956.”  What a long time to have to wait. In both events the people were called “heroes” and “angels.”  They were in the right place, at the right time and they possessed the right instincts.

(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/28762610/detail.html)

The media can inundate us with stories of violence and crime, where the people involved seem to be missing the instinct to do good.  But in reality most people are good.  Most of us would respond to help someone in a crisis, especially when someone takes the lead and shows us how.

We are privileged to tap into the hero network every day at Homeward Bound.  Our families are the beneficiaries of people simply doing what comes natural, stepping in where help is needed, offering whatever they have available to offer.  I believe in heroes, and in my book they don’t have to charge through flames to be given that title.  Most heroes quietly go about their days when, in a moment, they are given the opportunity to step up and save someone literally or figuratively.

Sometimes, in our over-emphasized protection of privacy, we find it easier to aid a stranger than our own neighbor, co-worker, or niece.  We may be waiting for a signed waiver as the green light to go ahead and act.  These heroes and angels were a random sample of people in an intersection.  The good inside them pushed them into action and they saved lives.  Consider this email your green light to act.

To Family Happiness,

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

P.S.  Do you have a story of your own of a hero who reached out to help? I’d love for you to share it on my blog www.drtimthayne.com for other’s to enjoy.

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I often think I was born a couple hundred years too late.  I can see myself with a coon skin hat, riding a buckskin colored horse, holding a 30/30 Winchester rifle, shooting the breeze with someone like Jim Bridger.  Some of my favorite movies are set during that period of time when the west was still a wilderness frontier and the Indians lived on the plains.  Two of my favorite movies of all time are Kevin Costner’s “Dances with Wolves” and “Last of the Mohicans.”

If you’ll remember, in both movies Indians were used to help the soldiers track people they considered fugitives. These Native Americans were referred to as scouts and their job was to lead the soldiers to the renegades.  They would stay close to the ground and search for signs that would tell them the direction, speed, and number of horses, in the fleeing band.  Their expertise in tracking, a skill probably gained as they hunted for food, told them about the travels of the fugitives.  A broken twig, a light impression in the dirt, disturbed grass, all these were signs that told a story.  By following these kinds of clues they were able to zero in on and find the party on the run.

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I’ve been told the reason you have kids, is to get grand kids.  It’s an indication of the joy that grandparents often feel in that role.  It’s not an indication that their own children were unlovable.  They see these young people as the budding legacy they will leave when they are gone.

Grandchildren reciprocate the adoration.  They love their grandparents.  They get as excited about grandma coming over as they would to see the ice cream man parked across the street.  This mutual love in the relationship sets up an opportunity for your child to be mentored and loved like no other.  The reason the role has that potential power, is that a grandparent doesn’t usually carry the weight of responsibility to train and teach daily that the parents bear.  They feel freedom to love unconditionally.

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Summer is here, kids are graduating or getting out of school, and we have a couple

of months where we are supposed to let our hair down a little. As responsible and busy adults, we understand how hard it can be to drag yourself away from the grind and take a look around at what the rest of the world (including your children) are up to. We tell ourselves that our children are our top priority, and we want to build memories, but making them a reality is difficult. Especially if you are like me…you wonder why moving the woodpile, or building a fence doesn’t rank high on the list of treasured memories for our teens! Read the rest of this entry »

Bill Walton, a heralded basketball commentator that played at a high level in the NBA for 13 years, was asked for his take on a recent basketball game where the highly favored San Diego State Aztecs team was beaten for the second time by the less athletic Brigham Young University team.  While you may not play basketball or be a BYU fan, I think you will find his words inspiring and true about any real achievement in life.  Let me share.

“The great thing about what BYU did, is that they represented all of the things that make life so special.  They won the battle…of substance over hype, [we saw] the triumph of achievement over erratic flailing, the conquest of discipline over gambling, the triumph of executing an organized game plan over just hoping that you’re going to be just lucky, hot, or in the zone.  They also represented the conquest of sacrifice, and commitment to achievement over the pipe dream that someone is going to give you something, or that you can take a pill, or turn a key to get what you want.” Read the rest of this entry »

My youngest son’s report card came back and everything looked good except one understated piece of feedback from his first grade teacher.  In the column “Areas to Improve” it said, “Halsten needs to work on his anger.”

In spite of the fact that at six years old he still has the cutest “mean eyes,” and severely down turned mouth you’ve ever seen, if he doesn’t learn to manage his anger it could have far more harsh outcomes in his life than a little feedback from his teacher.  The reality is that we all might do well to take Mrs. Drake’s feedback personally. Read the rest of this entry »

As the white Dodge truck pulling a red horse trailer drove away from our home, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Inside the trailer was a spirited paint gelding who had taught my son Talmage more about leadership, assertiveness, and the kind of girl you don’t want to marry, than any other person (or animal) could have.

The story began over 2 years earlier when I flew to Billings, Montana with my good friend, Lee Caldwell. We were going to one of the largest horse auctions in the country and I was on a mission to bring home a couple “kid” horses for my two sons. While on the plane Lee gave me some expert advice that I would later regret not listening to. “Be careful not to get caught up in the moment and start bidding when a great looking horse comes into the ring, if you haven’t seen it out back in the corrals first” he said. He explained how dishonest people will sometimes drug the horse before it comes into the sales barn to make it seem calm and docile. Read the rest of this entry »