Dr. Tim Thayne

Normally, my contributions to Notes from Home are based on personal experience with the topic of choice, so when Roxanne selected “Body Image” for this month’s e-zine, I knew it could be hard. I couldn’t imagine what to write. After all, I was finally okay with my shiny bald head. Now in my forties, it has been years since I last ordered a case of Kevis, Extra Strength hair and scalp lotion for more youthful, thicker, and fuller looking hair.

As proof that I was beyond the reach and influence of media, fashion, and what GQ portrays as handsome, last week I was asked by my kids what I would give up to have my hair back. My honest reply was, “nothing.” They didn’t believe me, but a feeling of satisfaction washed over me. I had arrived!

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” While that sounds harsh, I believe there is a lot of truth to his statement and decided to ask myself some tough questions related to my own beliefs and ways of thinking about body image. What I found was that the “arrival” I thought I had achieved, unfortunately turned out to be a shaky truce. I have a long way to go, darn it. Let me give an example.

Last month, one of my sons needed a physical to be on the track team. He has always been short of stature and I’ve worried about that over the years, but when the doctor’s report noted he was not even on the percentile charts for height and weight in his age group, I panicked for him. Old insecurities from my own adolescence resurfaced. Anxiety about him feeling “less than” someone else because of his height, gripped me. I worried that there would be a girl (or a dozen) in the future that he was interested in, who wouldn’t give him the time of day because he wasn’t at least 3 inches taller than she was.

When I looked deeper I realized that I’m not worried about his height exactly. I’m concerned about his self-worth. I only want his happiness and somehow, deep down, I have this belief that if he was taller, he would feel better about himself and would have greater confidence to tackle lives challenges with. Am I crazy?

If I am, I’m okay sharing this because I think most, if not all of you reading this, will relate with me in some way. Whether you are a man or woman most, if not all, of you will be able to find something you are trying to fix in yourself or someone else because you think you’ll be happier, or they will be more successful if you do. If you can identify the subtle (or not so subtle) ways your judgments of yourself and others are colored by stereo types, you can now deliberately change that. Your life can brighten significantly over night with a new perspective. With this new awareness, you can stop transferring your own insecurities onto your children.

To close I want to invite you to click on this link and view a short video. You will see a powerful experiment where women describe themselves to a forensic artist who draws them and a stranger who has just gotten to know the woman takes a turn describing them to the artist. Who do you think is more critical in their assessments? See for yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

I invite all of us to be an alternative voice that rings loud and clear above the media and those wanting to whip up insecurities to sell fashion, diet products, or promises of a more glamorous life. Let us lead out and teach our children that we love ourselves and we love them just the way we are, in whatever shapes and sizes these wonderful bodies happen to be in.

From the time I was quite young, I believed and felt deep down that the family was the most essential and fundamentally influential unit in life. I saw successful families in my community putting their best energies into their homes. When it came time to choose a major in college, nothing seemed to call me like the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. I had considered medicine, law, forestry, agriculture, politics, construction and even dance. I mentally envisioned myself in just about every field of study (except mathematics and art history) and each occupation had its own appeal. Some interested me because of the prestige or potential income; others just sounded fun, like being a National Geographic photographer. But when it came to the question of where I could have the most impact for good in the world, no occupation ranked higher, in my mind, than a field where I could work every day in strengthening families.

On New Year’s Eve, our next door neighbor Belinda passed away suddenly after a routine knee surgery. Three of her six children are still at home. To say our neighborhood was shocked is a gross understatement. Every time we look out our window expecting to see her feeding the dog, pulling up with groceries, or calling to her children, we are struck with sadness all over again. Eventually, we come around to remembering that for her family, there were no big regrets. She is an incredible example of one who consistently and through example taught her family who they were and what they stood for.

Walk into Belinda and Stan’s home and you will find beautiful family portraits everywhere. You will see quotes, scriptures, or positive sayings on plaques and in frames. Their long driveway is always full of cars for wedding receptions, extended family reunions, church functions, baby showers, or play dates. She would have her grown children and grandchildren over monthly for dinners or to plan service projects they wanted to participate in. She spent hours in community drama productions, performing alongside her children. As a couple, you could find them sneaking away at 9:00 at night to the hotel three miles away for a 12 hour getaway to plan out the new school year and make sure they were putting the most important things first. She and her family bring a targeted energy and purpose to everything they do.

Though the youngest child is only 7, there is no way he could miss what the culture of his family was set to be. The married children and father will continue to teach and carry out their family vision. Even their garage door code, WiFi password, and email addresses symbolize their closeness and purpose as family. This clear vision is compelling to them, to the extent that they lived it on a daily basis. Their priorities showed that their mission was their family. Family closeness, support, love, spirituality, fun, and service are their values.

My own family has taken the original two page mission statement we started with and condensed it down to a rousing cheer we do around the dinner table. Though it’s not done every night, we retell the story of where it came from and why it’s our cheer. It is based on a scripture that was given to us during our wedding ceremony, and is basically the only advice we remember from that day. It was that we build our marriage and home on the rock of our Redeemer. So as a family we shout “Thaynes…Built on a Rock!” Then making our hands into fists (rocks), I bump the fist of the person next to me, and they bump the one next to them until we go all the way around the circular table, then simultaneously throw our hands up in the air with a “Whew!” The goal is to see how fast we can do it. Of course, the kids want to try it over and over again to connect faster and better. It’s not necessarily sophisticated, but it is fun and weighty with meaning for us.

All-too-often in my work with highly motivated and successful people, there is a feeling of despair because there was no way to reclaim their families or turn back time. Even my constant optimism provides little consolation. They realize that all the success they had outside the home really didn’t matter, if their families had been pushed low on their priority list. This month’s Notes From Home is meant to inspire you to start the process of making your vision more formalized if it needs to be. We all want to go, like Belinda, with “no big regrets,” leaving a clear vision and legacy for our families to follow.

To Family Happiness!

Tim

_____________________________________________________________________________

When a family gets the diagnosis that their child has a learning disability, there is usually a mix of emotions. Sadness that their child has a life-long struggle ahead, and relief that they now have an explanation for why things have been going the way they have.

Families that I have worked with here at Homeward Bound are some of the most engaged parents I know. They feel completely bought into our philosophy that parents own the leadership role in their home, and they are ready to learn and experiment on whatever tools or guidance we can offer. Parents of teens with learning disabilities often take this engagement to a whole new level. These folks are beyond the initial devastation or embarrassment of having a child who struggles, and are moving full steam ahead into learning what can be done to help their children have as fulfilling and successful a life as possible.

My suggestion for all of us is to learn from what other parents have done in walking that fine line of modifying situations to allow for more time or less anxiety in learning, and searching out experiences to stretch and engage their children. All of our children, and we ourselves, have our strengths and weaknesses. The problems don’t come in having a difference, but in neglecting the opportunity to rally the forces to find the professional and community help for the child and for the caregivers.

We hope you will find the resources listed in this month’s Notes From Home educational as well a jumping off point.

Five years ago I bought a Brown Swiss milk cow and brought her to our home in the city. We were the only people within miles around that had such an animal as this. Even my neighbors, who like to have a few animals around, couldn’t understand my madness.

They reasoned to themselves, “Why would Tim, of his own free will, choose to take on the headaches associated with an animal that needed milking twice a day, 365 days a year, rain, snow or shine? Why would he add something to his kid’s chores that he would have to monitor every day and that would undoubtedly be the source of contention in his home as the kids would argue about who’s turn it was?” My answer: I love milk! Actually, there was a greater purpose in mind and it was driven by a fear we shared that our kids would grow up to be lazy, entitled, and unable to delay gratification. On the flip side, we wanted for them to feel strong, capable, and…basically, not entitled.

Now, if you think I’m an amazing parent, please hold your applause until the end of the story because you might just change your mind. I’m going to be transparent with you. This is an honest story of the good intentions I’ve had that I’ve not always followed through on. Maybe you will learn something that will help you to stick to your guns and do what you feel your family needs when the rest of the world seems to be going a different direction. Maybe you will reach out and encourage me to keep with it. My hope is that both will happen.

Why a cow? There are a lot of ways to teach our kid’s to do hard things with jobs, volunteering, sports, academics, music, etc. It was my method of choice because of my rural upbringing. I was familiar with it. It was also a ready-made do or die situation. The garbage doesn’t moo, keeping the neighbors awake, if it isn’t taken to the curb.

I tell my kid’s the now famous stories of my grandfather who plowed the fields with a team of horses as a 10 year old boy. At his age, his stature placed his chin just above the draw bar, and as he walked behind the plow whenever he hit a big rock, the draw bar would smack him under the chin hard. In his own words he said “I would sit down and “bawl” for a minute, then get back up and keep plowing.” Why did he do that? Because it was expected of him as the man of the family while his father was in the mountains logging.

My own dad, at the age of twelve, rode his horse alone into the High Uintah mountains to pick up bummer lambs from the sheep camps, to build up his own herd and earn some money for the family. On some of his trips he would come back after a couple days, hitting a number of sheep camps, with 4 gunny sacks of 3 lambs in each with a hole for their heads to stick out of.

The Heidi experiment did what I had hoped, but after a lot of frustration and failed attempts. One night one of my son’s was in bed asleep when we got home. He had not milked. I had to wake him and have him go relieve Heidi. It was hard not to just do it for him, as it was not intentional and he has always been pretty cheerful about the chore. Still, we learned that it paid off when one night while Grandma was babysitting, she heard him get up at midnight to go out and milk, because he realized on his own that he had forgotten. He may not remember that night, but it was a thrilling thing for a parent to hear. It was measurable evidence that he was learning responsibility.

With all of that said, Heidi is no longer here with us. She is on my dad’s farm with three little calves doing the milking for us. Why? Frankly, it was more convenient for us as parents and we were tired of the complaints and battles. So what about our younger kids? We will just need to come up with something new.

There it is, I have fallen into the same trap I am warning you about, because it was very inconvenient to try to teach our kids responsibility. You won’t be perfect. You are learning how to teach and are overwhelmed with your own responsibilities. However, here are three points to remember as you read the great suggestions within this month’s issue of Notes From Home:

1. In today’s world of instant gratification, life won’t teach our kid’s these lessons automatically like they did in the good ol’ days. As parents and mentors, we have to deliberately set up circumstances for our kids to learn responsibility and ownership.

2. If you are doing what your neighbors are doing for their kids, it might not be enough. You might be giving too much and expecting too little. Do some research into what you are currently doing for your kid’s that they could do for themselves, or do without.

3. Do not underestimate your child’s capacity to work through challenges or problems. Do not rob them of the self confidence that comes from working for ownership of a talent, value, possession, or education. The most entitled kids, are actually the one’s who have the least confidence in their own power to produce it themselves.

To Your Family’s Long-term Success and Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound

You may have seen this news story. An Australian woman saves her horse when he sinks up to his chest in a quicksand-like mud while out on their daily walk on the beach. She stayed with Astro, holding his nose above the rising tide water, while her daughter called for help, bringing in firefighters and veterinarians. They came with fire hoses, a winch, and finally a nearby farmer’s tractor. They were able to help him escape after three hours, with only a little bruising and dehydration.

I love horses and get teared up watching the clip.

http://www.wptv.com/dpp/news/local_news/water_cooler/horse-rescued-from-quicksand-like-mud-in-geelong-australia-while-owner-nicole-graham-assisted

I talk to parents daily who are stuck in the mud alongside their son or daughter, as they struggle to break free from the sucking and sinking spirals they are trapped in. Their mom’s and dad’s will mortgage the home, borrow against their retirement, open their hearts and hopes up to treatment experts. They are willing to stay right there, as long as the rescue takes, making sure their child is calmed, supported, and safe.

For parents who haven’t yet been in a major struggle with your teen, count yourself lucky. But learn from the stamina and grit of these other parents. Your teens can be helped by others in their life, but they only have one Mom or Dad. Bless you for all you do for them.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.
Founder
Homeward Bound

Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01 at about 9am EST. I do and I’ll never forget it as won’t most Americans. This article is not about national security, terrorism, or even patriotism. This is about the contrast between that horrific event and another life changing event that took place in the Thayne household the following Tuesday morning at the same hour.

Still shocked by the attacks on the World Trade Towers, Roxanne and I put one foot in front of the other to keep trudging forward. I wanted to gather with family and friends and do something to deal with my emotions, but life went on. Although our world and our peace had been shaken just a few days earlier, we still had a family to take care of, work to do, and, as it turned out, a new baby to birth.

I won’t go into all the details of the early morning hours on Tuesday the 18th, but I will share that Roxanne went into labor and we prepared for what we expected to be our 4th son. We had planned for a home birth with a midwife and everything worked like clock work except the midwife. She had successfully delivered hundreds of babies, never missing one, but on this particular day, a series of events took her back to her own home and then everything started progressing.

The baby’s arrival coincided with the very hour terrorists stunned America just 7 days earlier. We were thrust into the here and now. Roxanne with an intensity of pain she had never before experienced, and me with an acute awareness that we needed divine help, there we were, in our bedroom, having our baby.

Instructions from the birthing classes we had taken over the years prior to our other son’s being born came back to me. I was a doula (birthing coach), a midwife, and a husband all in one. I was at my best because Roxanne needed me to be and we delivered the baby together. Roxanne was amazing!

Wrapping the newborn in a towel and placing “him” on Roxanne’s chest, I proclaimed “We have another boy!” A rush of joy and relief that the baby was breathing enveloped me and we shed tears of joy together.

Within a few seconds, maybe a minute or so, my feet were back on the ground and I realized that in all of the excitement, I had not really checked to make sure it was a boy. Unfolding the pink towel to get a better look, I confirmed that we had a ….. GIRL!!! Joy too great to express followed!

I had witnessed something, experienced something too life changing to put into words. In my arms was a new girl in my life that would prove to have profound impact on me as a father. Next to me in our bed, was the strongest, bravest, person I knew. I had a new appreciation for the love of my life. Two special girls!

In this months Notes From Home we are sharing research, stories, and insights about girls. What makes them special and unique. This is not a discussion comparing girls to boys. At the end of the newsletter, I encourage you to click on the links to listen to Nora Urbanelli as she talks about “What Today’s Girls Think About Sex”. She does an incredible job of educating us on the challenges girls face in our world today and specific ways we can protect them. I couldn’t recommend it more highly.

To Your Family’s Happiness,

Dr. Tim Thayne
Founder Homeward Bound

This month’s Notes From Home is focused on teen substance abuse and how to prevent it. Unfortunately, a large percentage of the teens we work with are past the point of “prevention.”  However, the solid and true principles discussed here most assuredly have the power to reduce or stop substance abuse.

We could share the gloomy national statistics on teenage substance abuse and how those that abuse substances are far more likely to develop a full blown addition.  But those are just statistics.  They rarely speak to us and cause us to change.

To start out, you must be visionary as a parent and imagine the kind of family life and children you want to have long before you have teens.  What values do I want my children to have, etc.  Then set the example.  Nothing weakens parental authority like incongruence between our own standards and those we are trying to instill in our children.  I know that from personal experience around driving safely.

I always tend to buy cars that want to go fast.  These cars are just made up that way. (I blame it on my mom allowing my brother and I to buy an orange Trans Am as teenagers.)   One of my justifying thoughts for my “adult driving” habits is that I’m more mature and have had years of experience driving.  I’ve practiced going fast for 30 years now!

But it’s not a value of mine to go fast.  It’s a bad habit.  The value that I really want to instill in my children is to be law abiding citizens and to be cautious and careful in driving.  Well, I’m not always congruent with that. When my kids were young they didn’t know to check my speedometer against the speed limits posted along the high way.  They are now old enough to do so.

Every time I see my son backing out of our long driveway like a bat out of you-know-where, I have two emotions.  One is anger that he could be so careless and the other is guilt that I have done the same thing and he has watched me.

In prevention, my first piece of advice to parents is that if you want your children to never take a drink, take a hit, or pop a pill, and thus never fall into the grips of substance abuse and addiction, raise the bar on yourself and determine to live your own life in a way that eliminates any twinge of hypocrisy.  I know that’s asking a lot.  But prevention is where the greatest opportunity exists.

I hope you’ll be inspired to act, by what you read here.  As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences, so write us back if you’d like to share.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

Homeward Bound

It started with a clip board circulating at one of our Sunday church meetings. At the top was a description of a service opportunity for families. A certain nursing home in our area was the focus of the service and those willing to visit an elderly resident of the nursing home for four consecutive weeks were asked to sign their name. We added our name to the list.

A week or so later Roxanne went to get the name of the resident we would be visiting. Rather than sort through index cards to find one that would be most “comfortable” to visit (probably something I would be tempted to do) Roxanne drew a name randomly. We had all become more accustomed to visiting the dementia patients from the time we spent visiting her father in a similar facility. Little did we know that when she pulled the name of Lucille, the Thayne family would be the greatest beneficiaries in the new relationship.

Our first visit was an impromptu drop in one early afternoon by just Roxanne and me. The nursing home was beautiful with a large gathering room where a dozen lazy boy recliners made a large circle. Some of the chairs were draped with afghan quilts. After locating a staff member, and asking if we could visit Lucille, she was ushered in to the room arm in arm with the staff.

It didn’t take long to find out that Lucille couldn’t remember much about her life, as well as the fact that she was one of the sweetest women we had ever met. As we were finishing up our visit that day she grabbed both of our hands, pulled us close and said, “I just love you two, do you get it? Do you get it?” We got it. After assuring her we would remind her of who we were at our next visit, we floated out the front door feeling the love that she had shared with us.

The next visit our two youngest children accompanied their friends to sing to the residents. They too came out beaming and anxious to share their stories about Lucille with their siblings. Finally, all of our children were able to visit. Not only did Lucille stroke their arms, pull them in close for hugs, laugh, tease, and play her harmonica, she also set some expectations for them.

She started out with saying “Well, aren’t you just good lookin’? And this one here is as well.” But then she went on to encourage and state her expectations. She said “You are a good boy, I can see that. You will do the right things, wont you? I know you will. You’re just a good boy, I can tell you that for sure.”

Embedded deep within her is the instinct to mother, to nurture, to encourage, and to state her expectations of us. She had done it for all of her adult life, and it’s what came naturally to her now.

I’ve witnessed it over and over again, that people will rise to the level of their belief of your belief in them. If we are going to set expectations with our children, it must be done in a positive way. It shouldn’t always be done in a formal sit-down situation where you are addressing problem areas at the same time. It is most effectively done when there is a feeling of love present, when their hearts and ears are open wide. “You’re a great kid and you’re going to be a great husband and father someday. You are someone I know I can trust to handle such and such.”

What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t have genuine beliefs and expectations of our children? It would be chaos. Very few of us would have become who we are today without people in our lives having great expectations for us.

As you read this issue of Notes From Home, I believe you will find some great insight and challenges to your ideas around expectations. As always, we’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to write us back with your comments or personal experiences.

To Family Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder/CEO

Read the rest of this entry »

How important is sleep?  Should we be monitoring the quality and quantity of our sleep like we do the food we consume or how we exercise?  In my experience, and consistent with the health and wellness research, sleep is just as vital to our wellbeing as diet and exercise and may in fact be the lynch pin to good health.  Insomnia or poor sleep habits are associated with all kinds of troubles, such as depression, anxiety, memory loss, heart issues, behavioral issues, etc.

About 4 years ago my sleep problems had grown to a point that my sleep, or the lack thereof, became an obsession.  In social settings the topic of sleep deprivation would invariably come up and I found that many of my friends had similar problems.  That became our number one topic of conversation.  “How did you sleep last night?  Are you doing better yet?  Have you found anything that’s helping?”  We were all searching for a magic bullet, and we were desperate.

The obsession with sleep of course peaks at bed time as you prepare for–what will undoubtedly be–another frustrating night without much sleep.  I could feel the anxiety build as I would walk into our bedroom.

One night I was going through my nightly ritual preparing for bed.  I had gone through and locked all of the doors to keep out bad guys, shut every shutter to keep out light, made sure that all the kids were down so they wouldn’t wander in and wake me up, and made my way to the bathroom mirror.  My eyes were blood shot and I had a vacant depressed look on my face.  I had become accustomed to this look, but now I was watching myself do something I had never done before.  I was standing there in a new pair of silky pajamas I had acquired with the hope that being able to slide more easily when I turned over between the sheets would be the thing that would help me sleep.  As I watched myself button up the top button I thought to myself “Wow, I look like an old man who is beginning to lose touch with reality!”  It scared me. I didn’t recognize myself and it was time to change.

Roxanne has always been a “gifted” sleeper.  At one time I teased her because I thought the mid day naps were excessive.  Now I’m a believer and envy her ability to drift off quickly on her way to a 20 minute power nap.  I’m working on being a better sleeper and have made a lot of progress with more still to come.

Some of the things that have helped me improve my sleeping are:

• Getting off sleep medication (I had nearly three days without sleep when I quit)

• Finding ways to lower the stress in my life (Exercise can help)

• Turning off work related thoughts by 6pm (embracing the fact that my sleep and health are so much more important than anything work related)

• Not watching TV or reading on the computer, late into the evening

• Taking Melatonin supplements (a natural hormone secreted by the pineal gland)

• Not obsessing about getting my mind to shut off like I want it to (the obsession about my thinking was worse than the thinking itself)

With age comes wisdom and self awareness.  I saw how my sleep deprivation was affecting me and those around me.  Our teens may not be so perceptive.  Maybe you’ll find some answers for helping them in this month’s Notes From Home.

To Your Family’s Happiness!

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

You may know that we at Homeward Bound promote and believe in tapping into the power of a teen’s natural support network of family, neighbors, coaches, and others.  We refer to this group as the teen’s “Home Team.”  This isn’t revolutionary.  All we have done is acknowledge and value something that is as old as mankind.  It’s our basic humanity.  It’s the instinct most people have to take action in behalf others when we find them in crisis.

 Last week I heard the story of a heroic act where a random group of bystanders, construction workers and college students near Utah State University, joined together to lift a burning car off of a motorcyclist who was trapped underneath.  The inspiring event was captured on a moving 60 second video (see the link below):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAtXDlttNxg

When I did the Google search to find the story to share with you, I typed in “channel 2 news burning car.”  Low and behold, another story popped up of a man in Georgia who, a week earlier than the USU incident, risked his life to save another stranger in a burning car.  The intriguing story shares that this man had tried to save his own sister in a fire many years earlier, but was unsuccessful.  You could feel the pain behind his words when he said, “I tried, but today, I feel good because I did what I didn’t get to fulfill in 1956.”  What a long time to have to wait. In both events the people were called “heroes” and “angels.”  They were in the right place, at the right time and they possessed the right instincts.

(http://www.wsbtv.com/news/28762610/detail.html)

The media can inundate us with stories of violence and crime, where the people involved seem to be missing the instinct to do good.  But in reality most people are good.  Most of us would respond to help someone in a crisis, especially when someone takes the lead and shows us how.

We are privileged to tap into the hero network every day at Homeward Bound.  Our families are the beneficiaries of people simply doing what comes natural, stepping in where help is needed, offering whatever they have available to offer.  I believe in heroes, and in my book they don’t have to charge through flames to be given that title.  Most heroes quietly go about their days when, in a moment, they are given the opportunity to step up and save someone literally or figuratively.

Sometimes, in our over-emphasized protection of privacy, we find it easier to aid a stranger than our own neighbor, co-worker, or niece.  We may be waiting for a signed waiver as the green light to go ahead and act.  These heroes and angels were a random sample of people in an intersection.  The good inside them pushed them into action and they saved lives.  Consider this email your green light to act.

To Family Happiness,

Tim Thayne, Ph.D.

Founder, Homeward Bound

P.S.  Do you have a story of your own of a hero who reached out to help? I’d love for you to share it on my blog www.drtimthayne.com for other’s to enjoy.

P.P.S.  If you’d like to stop receiving these messages, simply click the Manage Your Subscription link below.